iShould've Told You
by Edio
Summary: Something's wrong with Freddie. He tries to figure out how to tell his friends. Will they understand? Freddie discovers his hidden feelings for Sam. Is it too late? Will they be able to support him through tough times? SEDDIE Rated T for adult language.
1. Insomnia

_This is going to be my first attempt for a longer and more mature SEDDIE story. They're going to be a bit older and a bit OOC. _

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

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Freddie stood in the shower with his forehead resting on the wall. Even with the water set to as cold as he could stand, Freddie still couldn't shake off his drowsiness. He looked right into the shower head and let the cold water hit his face. He was having trouble sleeping for a few weeks. No matter how sleepy he was when he tried to sleep – as soon as his eyes shut, his mind went into overdrive. Thoughts would jump around incoherently, nightmare situations and happy recollections tumbled incessantly through his subconscious. It would force him awake dozens of times at night – covered in sweat – often with just a few minutes sleep in between. Worst thing was… now he knew exactly why.

When he finished showering, he stepped out and wrapped the towel around his waist. He looked blearily at his reflection in the fogged-up mirror. He was much taller and a lot trimmer than he was last year. At seventeen years old now, his chest and stomach were more defined. Secretly, and without really knowing why he wanted to keep it a secret, Freddie had worked out every night with a set of weights he hid under his bed. In the morning he would stand here and flex his muscles at himself like an idiot - but right now, he didn't much care. In the last few weeks, he actually worked out even harder than usual - just hoping he would be too exhausted to think about anything when he went to sleep. It hadn't worked.

He grabbed another towel and stumbled out of the bathroom while rubbing his body and hair dry. A gust of cold air hit the bare skin of his chest and legs. He looked around and was alarmed to find his bedroom window wide open.

"What the f…" he began to mumble.

Beside his ear, he heard someone seductively say, "Hey stud."

"GAAAH!" Freddie jumped and spun around, knocking things of his dresser. They fell to the floor with a loud clatter. "DAMMIT Sam!"

Samantha Puckett grinned back at him with her eyes full of wicked glee.

"Freddie!" Mrs. Benson called out from the kitchen. "Is everything ok?"

"It's fine Mom!" he yelled back as he rushed to lock the door in case she tried to come in. Wide awake now, he glared at Sam who was now sitting on his bed trying not to laugh. "I just stubbed my toe on something!"

"I don't know how many times I've told you to pick up your room Fredward Benson," she scolded. "You can really hurt yourself, you know." Sam mouthed his mother's words at him from the bed.

"I know Mom," whined Freddie.

"Do you want me to come and put some ice on it Freddie-kins? It might bruise if we don't." Sam was failing miserably at not laughing now.

"NO Mom!" Freddie was starting to panic. "I'm fine!"

"Alright, sweetie. Come down for breakfast when you're ready."

Freddie waited to see if that was the last of it. Satisfied, he turned on Sam. "WHAT THE," he started then lowered his voice. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He walked around the room, picking up all the things that fell. "My Mom would flip out if she finds you here. And what the hell are you doing here right now?" he asked finally as he faced her.

Sam seemed unfazed by his anger. "You're cute when you're angry, _Freddie-kins_," she said and watched him impotently rage at her. Sam looked him up and down as she said, "And you don't look bad in just a towel either."

Freddie's face reddened and he spun around to avoid further scrutiny. "Sam, please go into my bathroom," he asked curtly.

"Take it easy tiger. I'm not that kind of girl," said Sam suggestively.

Freddie felt more and more exposed. "I need to change," he said slowly, "and my clothes are out here. Could you PLEASE just go into the bathroom for a minute?"

"Ok, ok, if you're going to be such a prude about it." She stood and walked over to the bathroom. Sam gave him one last appraising glance as she shut the door behind her.

Freddie grabbed his clothes and started pulling them on. Sam always left him confused when she acted like that. Ever since they started their junior year, Sam had changed. 'Filled out' - was the term that jumped into his mind. She started acting and dressing differently. She still went out of her way to bust Freddie's balls, so not everything changed, but Sam definitely acted more like a girl - although still not as girly as Carly. Both of them were beautiful without a doubt, but where Carly was demure and delicate, Sam was more bold and direct. Still, Sam got as much attention from the boys in school now. She had stopped beating up on most of them and even started dating some. Freddie wasn't sure how he felt about that.

For the longest time he thought he was in love with Carly, but ever since he shared his first kiss with Sam when they were thirteen, he wondered how he really felt about each of them. Carly was still cute, smart and sweet as ever. Everyone who met her fell in love. And Sam… well Sam was his enigma. She had an undeniable knack for getting under his skin. Sometimes it was through direct insults and others through veiled innuendo. He couldn't figure her out at all.

Freddie had grown up too - he wasn't naïve and inexperienced about girls anymore. He had been on more than a few dates now. Some of his relationships might have become more serious if not for Sam and Carly. Not directly though. The problem was when he would date a girl, he inevitable compared her to the two of them and she always fell short. He sometimes felt that they've ruined other women for him forever.

Forever was a long time though, and nothing lasts forever. In fact, some things were all too brief. He shook his head not wanting to think about it. Instead he turned to a different mystery. He asked Sam through the door, "What **are** you doing here, anyway?"

Sam's answer was muffled.

"What?"

Freddie jumped again when Sam yanked the door open and repeated, "I said - Carly asked me to come over and tell you something." She watched him button up his jeans and testily asked, "May I come out now?"

"Go ahead," he told her still self conscious without a shirt on. He walked over to his dresser to grab one. "What did she want you to tell me?"

"That you are a total loser and you should give up because she will never ever go out with you," said Sam impishly. "Ever."

Freddie was quiet and just pulled his shirt on.

"Come on, Benson. You're taking all the fun out of it." When Freddie didn't say anything she continued, "Fine! She told me to tell you that she's having Spencer take her to school early for some dumb student body meeting - and that you will have to find another way to get to school - because Spencer has somewhere else to go after he takes her - that you should offer me a ride if you find one - since I was too lazy to wake up early to go with her. And if you would happen upon some meaty, breakfast-y type objects, you should offer them to me too." She said the whole thing in a sing-song way. "I might have added that last bit myself."

That made Freddie chuckle as he pulled on his shoes. "You could have called or text'd me instead," he complained.

"And deny me the chance of answering a timeless question about you Fredloser?" she quipped. He looked back at her questioningly. Suddenly she stretched out a pair of his underwear.

Freddie jumped up and snatched the boxers away from her. "C'mon Sam, cut it out." He felt his face flush again as she laughed.

"Figured you for a tighty-whities kind of guy."

To quickly change the subject he said, "Ok, I'll ask my mom to drop us off."

"Thanks, Fredward." Sam's looked curiously at his face and added, "You know, I have to exaggerate when I say this usually, but you look like crap."

His adrenaline rush was wearing off and he was starting to crash again. He rubbed his face with his hands and sat down on the edge of his bed. The lack of sleep made him dizzy and nauseous.

"Thanks a lot," he grumbled sarcastically. "Just can't get any sleep lately." He leaned backed to stretch and took a good look at her for the first time.

Sam wore her long blonde hair straight now, with the bangs swept to one side. It was all held back with a black silk ribbon. She had on light purple eye shadow and dark eyeliner and he lips were a soft pink. He wasn't sure he could get use to the fact that Sam wore make up now. Under her grey and red striped hoodie she was wearing a tight black t-shirt with a hearts and skulls print. It left some of her midriff bare above her tight low rise jeans. He would have called it her emo look – if he didn't mind getting smacked around by her for saying it. Besides, it looked good on her – which he didn't say either since he would get smacked around for that too.

In the end it didn't matter, Sam smacked him on the side of his head anyway. "Hey Freddork, are you listening?"

"Sorry," he yawned, "I'm just really out of it."

Sam was looking at him seriously "Why can't you sleep?"

"I dunno."

She tilted her head, not believing him. "You've been out of it the last couple of weeks. There has to be something."

"There's not."

"You know, you can talk to me about it."

"It's nothing," he said dismissively.

"It **isn't** nothing," Sam said sharply.

Freddie could tell something was wrong all of a sudden. The playful look on Sam's face was gone now. Her eyes were hard and he could see Sam's jaw straining – like she was holding herself back. Alarmed now, he said, "It's nothing important, I just can't sleep."

"You're a liar – you know it's important," Sam pressed.

"No, Sam it isn't."

"You just won't tell me," accused Sam.

"No, that's not it."

"Then tell me!" demanded Sam, angry but still restrained.

Freddie was getting annoyed and angry as well and just wanted to end the conversation. "NO Sam! Look, just drop it. Ok?" Out of irritation he added, "It's none of your business anyway." Freddie got up to walk away from her. "

Suddenly he was off his feet. The air whooshed out of his lungs when Sam slammed her palms into his chest. Freddie fell back onto his bed from the blow and before he could do anything about it, Sam was on top of him. She straddled his stomach and pinned his arms back. Freddie, while still struggling to catch his breath, tried to fight her off - but he forgot how crazy strong she could be. He could feel her hands flexing menacingly on his wrists and he stopped struggling. The ribbon holding Sam's hair back had come undone so the mass of blonde hair framed her livid face. "How could you say that? I thought I was your friend, you bastard." she growled through gritted teeth.

Sam knew.

He had been the brunt of Sam's rages before, but they were always a flash fire of anger - easily forgiven and quickly forgotten. He had never experienced this. It was seething and smoldering and her eyes reflected a deep sense of betrayal. Even though he wanted to tell her he was sorry, his teenage male ego was still bruised. So he continued to deny her. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Sam! Now, get off me!" he demanded and struggled to get up.

"Don't fucking **lie** to me, goddammit!" She punctuated the statement by slamming his wrists back down onto the mattress.

Freddie knew he was stronger than her now and he could end this easily, but he just glared back and tried to look defiant. In the end he was just too tired though. He gave up struggling, closed his eyes and realized how tired he really was. He wasn't sure how much time passed when he felt Sam let go. He opened his eyes and watched expressionlessly as she pulled her fist back to punch him.

There was something intense in Sam's eyes that he couldn't stand to look at, so he stared at the ceiling past her head. "Go ahead Sam," he said in a resigned tone. "It'll make us both feel better."

A sharp breath escaped from Sam and he felt the tension leave her body. Sam's face looked as if he'd slapped her. She turned away from him muttering, "Damn you…" Her voice trailed off as she lowered her arm.

"So it's true?" Sam asked in a small voice.

"Yes," he admitted quietly. "How did you find out?"

"My mom," Sam started to explain. "She still talks to your mom sometimes - I overheard them." She searched his expression carefully and asked, "Why didn't you tell us?" He could hear the pain in her voice as she asked it. "Why wouldn't you tell **me**?"

"I don't know," answered Freddie. "I guess... I don't know."

They stayed like that in silence for a few minutes until and odd sound escaped from Sam. But before he could ask if she was ok, she got up abruptly and simply said, "Alright - let's go." She headed for the bedroom door without looking back.

"Sam," he called out, pushing himself up from the bed. She stopped with her hand on the knob and looked back at him. Sam wore a mask with no emotions now; her eyes were cold as they stared back at him. A few more moments of awkward silence ticked by and not knowing what else he could say, Freddie tilted his head and motioned towards the open window. "We'll meet you downstairs."

She just nodded blankly and walked towards the window.

"And Sam," he added as she stepped onto the fire escape, "don't tell Carly. I'll tell her. It should come from me."

"Fine, tell her yourself – spare your precious little Carly's feelings," she said. The flat tone she used to say those last words couldn't completely disguise the vehemence behind them. When he just stared back at her confused, she shook her head in disgust. "Never mind - I'll walk," she said and closed the window.

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_I'm seriously stuck right now. I'm still trying to flesh out some ideas. I hope to update soon, but this one is going to be hard._

_Thnx for reading._


	2. Please Tell Me

_Hello again. Thnx so much for all your comments so far. I twas going to post 1 chapter but I thought it flows better in 2. No worries though, I'm posting them at the same tiime._

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

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Freddie, Carly and Sam always tried to get their lockers close to one another, but this year Freddie's locker ended up on another floor entirely. Recently, he found himself thankful for that. He looked around before he opened his locker and started to unload his bag. Hiding did nothing to make him feel better, it just made it easier. Sam knew already, and he could tell the strain of sharing his secret was wearing on her. There were a few times that he was convinced Sam truly hated him for it – most other times, she was just indifferent. It may be better that way in the end – he just couldn't decide for whom. He shook of the now familiar melancholia; he'd had enough of that for two lifetimes. _If only_ – he smirked at his little joke.

Freddie had just placed his Calculus textbook in the locker when the door slammed shut, narrowly missing his fingers. Startled, he yanked his hand backwards and turned to face an upset looking Carly. "What is going on?" she fumed.

All of the kids in the hall stopped and stared. Wide-eyed like everyone else, he said, "Hi Carly." while trying to puzzle out what she just said. He tried to keep his tone as level as possible to try and diffuse the situation. It didn't really work.

She poked him in the chest as she said, "Don't 'Hi Carly' me. We need to talk." Her eyebrows were drawn together as she looked darkly at Freddie.

As angry as she was, he couldn't help but admire how she looked. Carly Shay was arguably the prettiest girl at Ridgeway High. Between the three of them, she seemed to have changed the least. Overall, it lent to her cuteness - she still had the same cherubic face and snow-white complexion. To Freddie, her lips were always Carly's most attractive feature. He liked how full and perfectly shaped they were. Right now though, they were pursed tightly while she glared at him. Carly absolutely hated the fact that she looked younger that her two best friends, so she tried to look older in other. Her clothes were more mature and severe than you would expect a teenager to wear. Today, she was wearing black slacks with a long sleeve, cream colored peasant blouse. She looked like a very short teacher. He easily towered over her now, as did Sam. It was like she was stuck at that same height for two years now.

He leaned down closer to whisper. "Don't you think we should go somewhere else to talk about this? Everyone's watching us." Freddie looked around with just his eyes to emphasize his point.

"No and I don't care," she answered curtly, lowering her voice like he did.

"Well," replied Freddie at the same volume, "apparently you do because you started whispering too."

"Stop being cute, Freddie. I'm serious," Carly threatened and punched his shoulder to punctuate her last statement.

Freddie decided that a smart-ass remark about the 'cute' comment would be ill-advised. Besides he could her temper was building up again so he said "Carly, be reasonable. You're acting crazy right now and anything you say is going to be all over the school in no time."

"Fine!" she yelled and yanked him by his arm. Freddie barely had a chance to pick up his bag before she dragged him down the hall.

They walked like that for a while. Carly led him around or through the other students in the hall. He apologized to everyone Carly shoved out of their way. He considered that this wasn't any less conspicuous than yelling in the hall. Eventually they came to a more or less deserted section of the building. Carly opened one of the doors and peered in. After a moment, she flung Freddie inside ahead of her. Freddie caught his balance after stumbling a bit. He tried not to sneeze from all the dust he kicked up into the air. He muttered soberly about crazy strong girls and their penchant for tossing him around whenever they wanted to.

The room went dark when Carly slammed the door shut. After a moment she found the switches and the fluorescent lights flickered weakly then hummed into life. They were in an unused classroom that was turned into a storage closet. Dozens of desk chairs were stacked haphazardly in one corner and boxes of old textbooks were piled everywhere else. The blackboard beside them still had traces of chalk writing in the corners. He could make out a faded date of 2004. Freddie knew he was just looking around to avoid having to face Carly. He finally sighed and dropped his bag and kicked up a year's worth of dust. He turned to look at her.

"Now tell me what you know about Sam!" Carly demanded.

"Talk about what? I don't know what's going on!" Freddie replied insincerely.

"Freddie," she said slowly.

"What?"

"I'm not screwing around," she warned.

Freddie gave her a dumbfounded look. He started to reply again, but she cut him off.

"Dammit! What the hell is up with you two! Getting anything out of either of you is like pulling teeth. She keeps telling me to keep out of it and you just act dumb and tell me I'm crazy. You're both pissing me off!" She yelled into the ceiling while flinging her arms upwards. It wasn't like Carly to cuss – not even mildly. Freddie knew this had been building up in her for a while now.

It had been more than five weeks now since he and Sam had the confrontation in his bedroom. He tried to talk to her about it after he found her in school later the same day. But she was dismissive and terse. He didn't blame her at first - but after a few days of the same treatment, he got angry. How could she treat him like that, knowing what she did about him? She acted like she didn't care at all. He worked himself into a fury and thought about confronting her a few times, but in the end, he backed off – the same as always. There had been other awkward situations since then, all bad. He just stopped holding anything against her - Freddie knew it was all his fault anyway. For now, it was easier for him to avoid her. Unfortunately, that meant he avoided Carly as well. He was ashamed to admit that he felt it was a mixed blessing.

"Why don't you talk to her about it?" He still avoided facing it for now.

"I did! Aren't you listening? Every time I talk to her about it, she shuts me out. What's wrong with her? Tell me!" she insisted.

"How should I know?" he lied.

"Freddie, stop! Please! If you know something, tell me. Sam started acting weird the same time you did. I thought if I gave her time it would blow over. I think you know what's going on. She's been tightly wound for weeks and then that _thing_ happened on the show."

Freddie remembered the incident vividly. The iCarly show had grown up along with the three of them. For the most part, it stayed true to what made the web-show popular – stupid pranks, site gags, crazy internet videos, and wacky guests. Just now with a little more mature take – a lot more mature if you consider Sam's profanity. One of the things they added was a live call-in segment geared towards teenage topics. People would call in then Carly and Sam would take turns answering the questions like a good-cop bad-cop routine. The topics could range from simple gossip, to advice for choosing dresses for the prom, or for advice on more personal issues. Their rule about the segment was that Carly would be the one to give advice on the more serious matters, which left Sam to handle the more inane topics so she go could off on them with her trademark viciousness. It was very popular.

The thing that Carly was talking about happened a week ago. There was a caller who was keeping it a secret from her boyfriend that she was going away for college, she asked for help on how to tell him. It was supposed to be Carly's turn but Sam jumped in instead.

Sam proceeded to tell her not to worry about it, because he was the stupid one for putting his faith in someone who was supposed to love him. She was doing him a favor in fact because if he went through life blindly trusting people, they will just hurt or leave him in the end anyway. Sam's actually words were, "So tell him to suck it up, the whiny little bitch! I'm sure the next whore who fucks around with a weak, insipid wretch like him will do the same thing – so he should get used to it!" Then she stormed out of the studio leaving Carly stunned and speechless with a crying girl on the line. Freddie watched the iCarly forums fill up with angry posts.

He was actually impressed, in a detached way, that Sam knew what the word _insipid _meant. Carly didn't notice that Sam wasn't looking into the camcorder during her outburst. Sam's stare was locked onto him the entire time. After calming the girl down and finishing the show, Carly left Freddie alone in the room to go track Sam down. He just collapsed into one of the chairs and tried to shake off the look in Sam's eyes. It was the only emotion she expressed towards him since she found out.

For days afterwards, Freddie was putting out the flames on the website. Carly explained it away by saying Sam had just broken up with someone on her blog posts. Sam just disappeared for a day or two and came back like nothing happened.

"Freddie I know there was something wrong. It felt like the whole time she was trying to tell us something. Sam still won't talk to me about it. She's hiding something from me. Freddie," Carly looked like she was about to cry, "I think… I just found out what it is and I don't know what to do."

Freddie became alarmed at what she was saying and it must have shown on his face because Carly's eyes grew wide. "You do know something!" accused Carly.

Caught off guard, the only thing he said was, "Carly, it's nothing."

Carly exploded.

"GOD DAMN IT! I am so sick of hearing that. Every time I ask Sam, that's all she says. It's nothing Carly. Don't worry about it Carly. It's none of your damned business Carly!" Freddie could see she was starting to lose it.

"It isn't **nothing**! OK? You guys barely even talk to me anymore. I haven't been in the same room with both of you unless we're doing the show and even that has been going to hell. I tried to talk to Sam. She used to tell me everything. I'm her best friend. She's supposed to tell me everything - but not anymore. She's been hiding things from me and they must be awful if she thinks she can't talk to me about it. I'm your best friend too and you won't talk to me either. You don't come over after school anymore. You've been avoiding me. Don't lie and say you haven't. I see you walk the other way when you see me. I had to hide from you today to catch you at your locker. What are you two hiding from me? Why won't you tell me what's wrong?" Then she asked, "What did I do?"

The last question stung him the most.

Carly rushed up to him and buried her face in his chest. "Will you please just talk to me? Tell me something? PLEASE?! I can't stand it anymore," Carly sobbed, "What did I do wrong? I feel like I'm losing my best friends and I can't do anything. And now…" Carly completely broke down.

Freddie put his arms around her shoulders protectively. "Shhh," he said. Freddie understood why she was hurting so badly.

Carly was the strong one who held their little group together. She was always fixing things. Whenever he and Sam bickered, she was the one to bring them back together. She would always battle with Sam's stubbornness and aggressive personality. She could always rein Sam in when she went too far. With Freddie, Carly was protective, because he was often too timid and passive. She would encourage him to stand up for himself and be brave enough to let other people know what he really felt.

She loved them both as the big sister they didn't have. It took him a long time to come to terms with that. He had known for a couple of years now that they could never be together for that reason. "Shhh," he continued sadly. "It's not your fault Carly," he said into her hair as she hid her face crying. "You didn't do anything wrong. It was never you." Carly always started to blame herself when things went wrong like this. It was just that now she found something she couldn't fix – and it scared her. He held her while she cried herself out.

When she recovered somewhat, Carly looked up at him with her eyes filled with pain. He smiled reassuringly. This was the Carly he's always known and loved. This was why it was so difficult to tell her.

The truth was, this dark haired girl wasn't the strong one. As the three of them grew up, Freddie had come to realize that, in a way, she was the one who needed them. Carly was the type of person who took care of others, the kind of person who gave up her own needs in order to make sure everyone around her was happy. With no one to care for, she would wither like a cut flower. You could see it between Carly and her brother. Although he was supposed to be the adult, Carly was the one who took care of Spencer. Even iCarly, the show they started as kids, was a reflection of her personality. She wasn't fulfilled unless she made other people smile and laugh. People sometimes sent e-mails and asked why it wasn't called iSam or even iFreddie. It wasn't because of ego. The show could never work with him or Sam. It was because, between the three of them, Carly was the most willing to open herself up to everyone. She had the biggest heart. That's why it was so easy to love her. And that love defined Carly Shay. While it didn't make her exactly weak, it made her vulnerable. Especially when those she cared about the most pushed her away.

Freddie carried a lot of guilt for what was going on. People he loved the most were in pain because of his weakness. He couldn't tell Sam the truth and she felt betrayed. Now she was lashing out at innocent bystanders because he asked her to keep his secret from her best friend. He thought keeping it from Carly would spare her the pain, but she just blamed herself thinking she was not a good enough friend. He didn't like thinking about what he was putting them through – what he was _going to be_ putting them through. He was a coward.

"I'm so sorry, Carly," he wiped off her tears. "I didn't want to make you upset. I never wanted to do that."

"But you did," she accused softly as she regained her composure.

"I know," he said.

"So, will you please talk to me now?" she asked quietly.

"Sure."

However, at that moment, the class bell rang. Carly stepped back from him and looked worried.

Freddie shook his head and assured her, "We need to talk right now. You were right, this **is** important."

"Good." Carly smiled finally.


	3. I'm Sorry

_I thought long and hard about this, I hope you like it._

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

* * *

"Tell me what you were going to say about Sam. You said you found out something." Freddie had already decided to tell Carly everything but he still found it awkward to broach the subject first. It was tough enough already.

The two of them were sitting against the wall under the blackboard with their knees bent and shoulders touching. Freddie used his bag to wipe away most of the dust on the floor. He even laid down his jacket for Carly to sit on so as not to ruin her black slacks.

"Well, it really started a while ago when Sam started acting weird," Carly started.

"And you could tell the difference, how?" said Freddie sarcastically. Carly scowled at his feeble attempt to lighten the mood. "There was just a lot of tension in this room. Don't hate me for wanting to relieve some of it." That made Carly roll her eyes and smirk. "Keep going then," he urged and leaned his head back.

"Well, for one thing, she stopped cleaning out the fridge of all of the food. Spencer told me we saved three hundred dollars in groceries the last month. I figured at first she was on a diet or something." Freddie snorted derisively. "Mostly I noticed she stopped talking to me about pretty much anything. Every time we would plan out an iCarly show, she would just grunt to say yes and grunt to say no. Once in a while she would throw in a shrug for maybe. Didn't you notice?" She paused to wait for his response but Freddie just shrugged. He could tell Carly was babbling to have something to talk about right now. She tended to do that when she was nervous about something.

"It's really hard to come up with funny stuff when your partner is a mute. I was getting really frustrated with her." Carly continued. "You haven't been a big help either come to think of it. Every time I looked at you, you were about to fall asleep," she tilted her head at him. "Like now."

It was true. One of the worst things he did during the day was sit down. It was like his body would remind his brain of how tired it was and a warm sensation would surge down from the top of his head. School became unbearable as he struggled to remain conscious during every class. He's been feeling like this for so long, he couldn't recall how it was to feel normal. Normal was impossible for him now, he thought - better get used to it. Carly had stopped talking. Apparently she was waiting for an explanation from him. Freddie shook his head and said, "I'm sorry. I'll tell you about it, I promise. Go on."

"Well you were the other thing I noticed, really." When he arched his eyebrow at her she continued, "One of the constants in my life was always you and Sam bickering. Kind of like a song playing the background while you're doing something. Ok _song_ might be the wrong word," corrected Carly. "When you guys stopped it was just too quiet. Did you guys get into a fight or something?"

"You could say that," confirmed Freddie.

"You did? I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I was right. But, you guys just don't fight like that though. There was a lot of tension between you two, even when you would talk to each other. I thought maybe Sam finally… you know - told you… you know..?"

"No, I don't know," he admitted, completely clueless.

"Never mind," concluded Carly mysteriously. What did she think Sam told him? His brain was so addled that even the simplest ideas were beyond him and Carly's next question derailed his train of thought completely. "What did you guys fight about, anyway?"

He thought about the events of that morning, how Sam reacted when she found out. "Later," he promised again. "You still haven't told me what you found out," prompted Freddie to get her back on track.

"Well that's kind of what I'm getting to. When you two stopped talking, Sam started acting odd. She sort of closed up to everyone. You know how Spencer could always make her laugh? When she did, you could tell she was faking. She started staying over less too. Even when she did, she would just grab the laptop and park on a chair then looked up stuff for hours and hours. It wasn't something she didn't normally do, but it was different. She was very obsessed about it. I even found her up one morning because she hadn't slept yet. Every time I came near her she would close it or shut it down before I could see. She told me she was studying for biology or something-or-other."

"She had biology last year," Freddie observed, slow on the uptake.

"I think you missed the point."

"Oh," realized Freddie, "right."

"Anyway, I thought it might be important. So I tried to look up the web pages she visited in the browser and realized she cleared it every time she used the laptop."

"There's nothing weird about that," Freddie pointed out. "I do it all the time."

"Yeah but that's you. You've always been kind of OCD about computer stuff." Carly gave him a look that said she didn't mean to offend him but it was true. Freddie shrugged again, it was true enough. "Sam never cared about it before. I asked her point blank about it, but she became all defensive and mad. She told me if I didn't want her to use my laptop anymore I should say so." Carly became quiet and he assumed that exchange didn't go quite as politely as she was saying.

"So you wanted to spy on Sam and she found out about it. Then she yelled at you for doing it." He couldn't really understand what Carly was going on about. What was Sam looking at on the internet that was so important to Carly? He spent hours just working on the iCarly site.

He crossed his arms on his knees and rested his head on them. Thinking about everything right now was making his head spin. The air in the room was stale but warm, and it was making him very, very drowsy. Freddie let his eyelids close for a split second – then suddenly snapped them open again and jerked back upright. He felt Carly jump slightly beside him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to doze off there for a second." When he looked at her she was holding some wrinkled sheets of paper. He didn't see her take it out.

"It's ok. I didn't want to wake you. You look like you needed the nap. Besides it gave me a chance to think about what I was going to tell you."

"Wait, what? How long was I out?" asked Freddie in surprise. He blacked out like that a couple of times a day lately. Trouble was he didn't really feel rested whenever it happened.

"I dunno, maybe fifteen minutes?"

"Carly, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"It's ok, it's ok, don't worry."

"Sorry," he said one last time. "You were telling me how Sam was hiding the stuff she was looking at on your laptop." She absently folded the papers she was holding. "What is that?" he wondered out loud.

"Let me finish first," said Carly and started again. "Anyway after she blew up at that poor girl on the show – well, I wanted to find out what she's been hiding from me. So yesterday, I set up one of the cameras to spy on her while she did it." He could tell she was uncomfortable with either what she did or what she saw. "I still couldn't see what she was looking at on the screen, but I could see her. She was crying." Carly looked at him then said, "Freddie, Sam doesn't cry. Afterwards I checked the website history again but there was nothing. So today, I asked Sean from the computer club to recover the deleted history off my laptop."

"Why didn't you ask me to do it? I could've done that too."

"You were avoiding me," she snapped. "Remember?"

Freddie shut his mouth. Carly continued, "Sean just printed this out for me. It's a list of the websites visited for the last three weeks." Freddie could hear a tremor in her voice as she spoke. He could see her eyes were focused on something far away. "I had to find you right away when I saw it. I'm sorry I got mad at you - it's just…" Her eyes were beginning to water. "Freddie, I'm scared," she said as she handed him the papers.

He read the list on the first page and took a sharp breath.

_Oh God. Sam, why are you doing this?_

On the sheet were dozens and dozens of different websites about the same thing. He could see they were visited numerous times everyday - 3 weeks ago, 2 weeks ago, last week, and the last few days.

Freddie felt the tears drip from his chin before he even realized he was crying. He made no move to wipe the tears away. He just stared at the page until the words on it were a wet blur. He could imagine Sam staring at the screen as she visited each of these sites. Freddie imagined the pain and the fear and the hopelessness she must have felt as she read what was on them. He flipped to the next sheet and the next – sobbing as he did. They were all the same. Each one of the lines the on those hateful pieces of paper was an accusation - he recognized them all. His hands balled into fists and crumpled the pages. Then he broke down and wept.

He didn't know for how long until he felt Carly's hand on his arm. He turned to face her. Carly's eyes were red from crying but he saw something else. There was sadness to be sure, but what washed over him was Carly's deep abiding love for her friends. It had always been there. Freddie didn't expect the quiet strength he drew from her at that moment. He felt suddenly foolish for not telling her. Carly was never the weak one. The only reason she was upset was because she felt alone - just like he did - just like…

In that moment of clarity, he understood. He was so wrong. It wasn't Carly he should have been worried about. He opened the crumpled ball of paper in his hand.

_Oh no. Sam I'm so sorry. _

"Carly," he asked to confirm what he suspected, "just now when you were talking about Sam, you said you thought she finally told me something. What did you mean?"

"I… I don't know if this is the right time…"

"Please. I need to know."

Carly looked at his face and nodded. "Sam is in love with you, Freddie. She has been for a long time now. I think maybe she's always been." She watched Freddie's face as he stared at the papers he held. "Freddie, did you know Sam was sick?" It wasn't an accusation. She said his name again when he didn't answer.

Freddie wiped off his face on his sleeve and rubbed his eyes with his palms. Regaining some measure of dignity, he drew a deep breath and said, "No. Sam isn't sick. These websites aren't about her. She was looking at these because of me." Freddie composed himself and smiled sadly at her. "Carly, I have cancer."

* * *

_As you can tell by now, there aren't going to be too many cute moments in this story. It was a difficult decision to take this story in this direction, but I had a dream of my mom which helped me decide. It will be a while before the next installment - I haven't started it yet._

_Thnx for reading._


	4. We Need to Talk

_This chapter took me longer than I thought. _

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

* * *

Freddie was leaning back with one leg propped up against the low wall of a fence. He stared down at the slick sidewalk to keep most of the rain out of his face. It was a futile gesture in the end - the downpour was too heavy. The rain in his hair and ran down his face and he would absently blow at the water dripping from the tip of his nose. In the first minute he stood here waiting, he was immediately soaked – and that was hours ago. His clothes were waterlogged and heavy and he could feel his feet sloshing around in his shoes every time he shifted his weight. Freddie stood with both hands deep in his pockets, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone that passed by. He was sure they were wondering about why the strange boy was standing, without a jacket, in the icy cold Seattle rain. He took a quick glance around and sighed. The sky was dark with clouds, but he could tell the sun hadn't quite gone down yet. The whole idea of waiting here was stupid but he wasn't really in any shape to think up another one. He was still dead tired from the lack of sleep and the freezing cold wasn't helping. Freddie wondered what his mom would say when got home.

A few months ago, Marissa Benson would have been apoplectic to see her son in this state. But Freddie just didn't know how his mom was going to react to anything anymore. She had always been overbearing and overprotective of him. He imagined she would get worse since finding out about his illness, but it was the complete opposite. She didn't bother him about his homework, she started letting him stay out without keeping tabs, she respected his privacy more, and she generally didn't hover around him so much. She didn't raise her voice at him anymore either - all of t was driving him insane. She treated him as if he was made of glass. She tried so hard to make this whole ordeal easier for him, when all he wanted was for everything to be normal. Freddie supposed everything would have been ok – if only he didn't see her face, when she thought he wasn't looking. It would have been fine - if maybe he didn't listen to her crying at night, when she thought he couldn't hear. Freddie hated himself for what she was going through - all because of him.

Another violent shiver coursed down his spine which forced him to suck in a deep breath of the frigid air. It was starting to feel like he would never be warm again. Freddie pulled out his phone to check for replies to his texts. There was one from Carly, but that wasn't the one he was waiting for. He read it quickly but as he touched the keys to reply, the screen went blank. He didn't know whether the battery just ran out or if the rain messed up the phone up. Freddie jammed it back deep into his pockets and let out another heavy sigh and continued his vigil. Freddie occupied his mind instead with what happened in a dirty unused classroom just few hours ago.

* * *

"_Carly, I have cancer." Carly was the first person he said it out loud to. Trying to soften the blow of saying it felt like using a sledgehammer to crack an egg__**. **_

"_What do you mean? I don't understand." She was incredulous as she replied. He remembered saying those exact same words when the doctor gave him the news. The big "C" word takes a moment to sink in. The reality of what he just said began to reveal itself on Carly's face. She gasped suddenly - he didn't wait for her to say anything else._

"_I found out for sure what it was about a month and a half ago. The doctors don't know how long I've had it. At first my mom took me to the doctor because I was having night sweats. I didn't feel sick but my mom immediately took me to the emergency room. They didn't find anything. That was six months ago. I stopped telling my mom about it so she would leave me alone." Freddie spoke as emotionless as he could. It helped to feel detached when he told the story. Almost like it was happening to someone else. Almost._

_Freddie continued,_ _"Three weeks later, I was sweating so much at night that it seemed like I was losing weight. I checked and I lost nine pounds – which didn't seem all that bad. I told my mom and she immediately took me back to the doctor and demanded he figure out what was wrong with me. I think at first the doctor thought she was kidding. During the examination he found a lump in my armpit and another one in my neck. They were about the size of marbles and he said it was probably an infected sweat gland or maybe a swollen lymph node - they usually swell when you have the flu or something. Well, you know my mom; she completely flipped out. She told them she wasn't leaving until they knew what was wrong. So they took blood, x-rays, scans, and the doctor even stuck a needle in one the lumps for a sample to do even more tests." He grimaced at the remember pain. "I was able to finally convince my mom that they did enough after I'd been poked and prodded for hours. I was still feeling completely fine. They sent me home with some prescriptions to see if that cleared it up."_

_Freddie believed that the doctor only agreed to all the tests to shut his mom up. He remembered being very frustrated with her, the way she thought she knew better than the doctors. In the end she was right, but that was no consolation. _

_Freddie got up from the floor as he kept talking. He paced around the room looking anywhere expect where Carly was sitting in stunned silence. "About a week later, the doctor's office called us in. Some of the tests came back abnormal so they wanted to do some more to be safe. I saw my mom's face when she was on the phone with them. I'll never forget that look. She didn't say one word on the way to the doctor's office. Once we were there, the doctor told us that he wasn't one hundred percent sure what it was and he still wanted to do a lot more tests - but the early tests showed I might have lymphoma. My mom broke down immediately. I didn't even know what that was. He told me it was cancer."_

_That moment was the loneliest he had ever felt in his life. It felt like out of all the people in the world, a harsh spotlight was focused just on him. The feeling of being so small and so insignificant was overwhelming. The world all around just zipped along - unaware and uncaring that at that moment, a seventeen year old boy's life changed irrevocably. He recalled very little of the conversation after that. _

_Freddie stopped pacing and looked down at the path his footsteps left on the dusty floor. He was straining against the emotions he was holding in, but Freddie knew he couldn't stop talking. "So he sent us to a cancer doctor – an oncologist. She did a bunch more tests and scans. That was the longest week of my life waiting for the results. The doctor confirmed I had lymphoma and told me the next step was to try and figure out what type and how much it spread. She called it "staging". So that's why I haven't been around after school, I've been going back to the hospital almost every day. During one of the test visits, a nurse told me I was lucky that I have the "good" type of cancer – whatever the fuck that means."_

_Freddie had never wanted to slap anyone in his life until that moment. She was lucky his mom wasn't in the room to hear it. The nurse must've thought he was a just an ignorant kid and tried to make him feel better. The problem was that he wasn't ignorant – not since the first doctor told him about lymphoma. Between hospital visits he spent all of his free time trying to find out everything he could about lymphoma. He went to medical websites, cancer victim forums, checked out books – everything he could find - and what he saw either confused or terrified him. But if there was one thing he learned at all – there is no "good" cancer._

"_So after the biopsies and bone marrow aspirations and CT scans and PET scans and whatever other test they could think of – they told me I had Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma Diffuse Small Cleaved B Cell Low Grade - Stage 2." Freddie said it exactly like the doctor said it to him – flat and emotionless. "The doctor said it was a good thing they caught it early."_

* * *

Freddie's body was starting to hurt from the way he was standing, but he resisted the urge to shift positions. He concentrated on the ache as another distraction from wet cold that cut through to his bones. The numbing in his fingers and toes were starting to spread through his body. The clacking of his teeth was getting more and more violent. He started thinking of giving up, but decided against it quickly. He was tired of hiding from things. He instead thought about how Carly replied after he told her everything.

* * *

"_Oh," was all Carly said. _

_Freddie blinked. The reaction was seemed so small, so insignificant against everything he just said. Was that it? What did he imagine she would say? He thought of the hundreds of different nightmare scenarios for this moment. He felt like such an idiot - all those sleepless nights were for nothing. Freddie turned to hide his face from Carly and his whole body started to shake. He doubled over and wrapped his arms around his stomach. Carly thought he was in pain and immediately scrambled to her feet to rush up to him. "Freddie what's wrong?"_

_A tiny chuckle escaped from Freddie's quivering form much to Carly's surprise. It was like a small leak in a large dam. The reaction was so completely inappropriate but the helplessness of the entire situation was just hilarious to Freddie at that moment. And then the laughter came out in a torrent. The release of the tension and the emotion he had been holding back for months was staggering. Freddie's eyes watered while he laughed at his own foolishness. For a good minute, he let it pour out of him. Laughing just felt so good after all of the grief and loneliness he endured. Carly must've thought he was going crazy right then. Maybe he was._

_He turned to face Carly and saw the shocked look on her face. He started to laugh even harder but something in her eyes that brought him up short. He saw that same intense look in Sam's eyes that morning in his bedroom. It was the same look in his mom's eyes. Freddie looked into those same eyes in the mirror every day. Carly's face softened and then, as if she was reading his mind, Carly said, "I'm scared too." She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest. Her voice cracked as she said, "And it isn't funny… it's not funny at all." _

"_I know. I'm sorry," apologized Freddie. "It's just that – I've been dreading this moment for weeks and I feel like I haven't really slept since I found out about it. I guess that it was such a relief to get it off my chest. I think I would've gone insane if I had to cry about it one more time. Sometimes I'm glad to feel anything else other than being afraid. God - I'm so tired of it. I'm just so tired." He stood there lifelessly and hung his head in exhaustion._

_She pulled away from him but still held his hand. Carly's furrowed brow remained and Freddie knew the inevitable question was next. "Why didn't you tell us? You didn't have to go through that alone. We could have been there for you." Her jaw dropped when she realized that wasn't entirely true. "Oh my god – Sam knows! You told her!" she accused._

"_Not exactly." he answered ashamedly. "That's why we haven't been speaking to each other. She found out when our moms were talking and she confronted me about it. We had a fight, if you could call it that – it was definitely one sided." He didn't have to explain which side to Carly. Freddie recalled how easily she overpowered him that morning, it still stung his ego a bit. "I wouldn't admit it to her and she got mad at me. She got really upset when I asked her not to tell you. That's why she been acting the way she has around you. And this," he held up the crumpled list of cancer websites, "this is my fault too. I'm sorry." _

_Freddie could see her gathering herself to answer. He watched Carly's shoulders tense as she started talking. "First of all, I want you to know that I'm not angry at you. I can only imagine what you've been going through. Freddie, I'm upset only because you thought you couldn't come to me about this. I'm your best friend. So is Sam. We want to be here for you - especially if it's something awful like this. Don't you think if the roles were reversed, you would feel the same way? Did you think somehow that we would abandon you? You've been through so much by yourself already; let us help you through this from now on. We love you. We can help you get through this." The sincerity of what she said cut Freddie to the core. Again he marveled at her quiet strength. If only he could be so sure of his own. _

_She placed her palm on his cheek and continued, "But that was also an awful thing you did to Sam. You know how she feels about you now and I know how she is. She would never have told me about it, especially since you were the one who asked her not to. She must feel so lonely and scared – for you. I know that she has a rough exterior, but Sam is one of the most sensitive people I've ever met. I know this whole thing has got to be tearing her apart. The only way she can deal with it is by lashing out at the world so it might be hard, but she needs you right now." Carly finished by rising up on her tiptoes to kiss him softly on the lips. It was a brief, chaste kiss. Carly held his gaze for a moment then said, "I'm not the one you have to apologize to." _

"_Thank you," Freddie said with his heart in his throat._

_Carly waited a moment before she broke the silence. "So what happens now?" _

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Are you going to have surgery or something? You know, to get it out, or something."_

"_No. This type of cancer is inoperable." Freddie shook his head quickly when he saw her eyes widen. "No, no, no. That's not it. That just means it hasn't spread so they don't need to operate."_

"_So what will happen to you?" She frowned and said, "I don't want to sound ignorant about this, but I don't really know too much about cancer." She hesitated before continuing. "Are you going to go through chemo? Can it be cured?"_

"_I don't know." Freddie said evasively. He knew more than he was saying, but he was still averse to having his friends worry about things they couldn't control. To distract Carly from the dark subject and re-capture the moment they just shared, he said, "I do know one thing for sure now. Carly, I love you and I will always love you no matter what happens." He held up his hand when she tried to interrupt. "I wanted you to know that from the bottom of my heart. I should've told you. You and Sam of all people, deserved to know. I have to find Sam right now and talk to her about… well, everything I guess." Freddie smiled down at her, and then twisted it into a grimace. "But Carly, do me a favor - please don't kiss me like that ever again – UGH. That was like kissing my mom."_

_Carly was stunned for a split second so he flashed her a playful grin. "Oh! You…" Carly retorted and shoved him backwards. "I'll get you for that Fr…"_

* * *

"Freddie!" A completely different voice finished the sentence in a shout that snapped him out of his reverie. "What are you doing?" Sam spoke loudly over the sound of the pouring rain. She wore a long dark raincoat and was holding a large blue and white umbrella. She was looking angrily at his wet and soggy state.

"H…hi Sam," he replied and straightened up. He felt his joints pop as he moved quickly to greet her. Around him, it was already dark and he was immediately aware of the biting cold. He smiled at Sam but his teeth clacked loudly together as he did. "We n…ne...need to talk."

Sam walked closer to him and held the umbrella higher to cover both of them. "Well what the hell are you doing out here? Are you crazy? You're soaked. You're not even wearing a jacket." Sam was frantic with worry. Freddie was glad to know she cared this much.

"I f…forgot it at school. I left in kind of a r…rush to look for you." It was true. The jacket was still on the floor in the empty classroom along with his book bag. After speaking with Carly, his only thought was to catch up to Sam. He tried to control his shivering as he spoke. "You weren't answering your c…cell and I couldn't find you at any of the usual places - so I came here. Y…y…you **live** here right?"

Freddie gestured to the small, light blue house behind the small gated fence. It was the house where Sam and her mom lived. As long as he's known Sam, he'd only been inside the house three or four times. Right now, she lived mostly alone because her mom spent her time at her new boyfriend's apartment. It was one of many boyfriend's Sam's mom had in the last few years. At least this one had a place of his own. Most of them used to live here at the house before, which was one of the reasons Sam slept over at Carly's so much. Freddie took a chance that she would come home tonight because of the tension between her and Carly.

A guilty look passed across Sam's face. "Well, yeah but…," Another thought flashed through Sam's mind. "Wait a minute! How long have you been out here?"

"Not s…sure, a few hours m…maybe."

"A few hours?" Sam shouted at him again, doing a pretty good impression of his mom. "You started texting me right after school! Have you been here since then?" Freddie nodded and he heard her voice go up another octave. "What the hell is wrong with you? Were you going to just sit here and wait all night?"

"Y…yes," said Freddie to her demanding stare. "As long as it took – I told you, we need to talk." Freddie tried to match her glare as much as he could manage in his pitiful state. "Look, I'm not l…leaving until you and I h…have a little chat. So did you want t…to talk out here? I'm f…fine with that." The cold, the wet and his exhaustion made Freddie doubt his ability to carry a coherent conversation, but he was determined to clear the air between them tonight.

Her answering scowl was ferocious. "No! Come inside, you big idiot," huffed Sam as she jammed the umbrella into Freddie's hand then stomped ahead of him towards the front door of her house. "Look at you - your lips are turning blue. You need to get warm and out of those wet clothes," Freddie smiled at her back but didn't bite on the obvious joke. He followed Sam to the front door as she splashed through the puddles. Sam continued mumbling as she fished out her keys, "I can't believe you did that." Sam seemed like she was just talking to herself so he didn't interrupt. She opened the door and angrily waved him in ahead of her. As Freddie strode past her, Sam said, "I thought you were smarter than this. You could get really sick out here – you know."

Freddie decided not to bite on that one either.

* * *

_Thnx for reading. _


	5. So Talk

_I'm sorry for the long wait between these chapters. Hope you enjoy this one._

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

* * *

Freddie didn't think she was serious. When he realized what was going on, he argued with her vehemently. If he wasn't freezing his ass off at that particular moment, he would've probably stuck to his guns. They went back and forth for ten minutes before Sam delivered an ultimatum. "You came here to talk and I'm not talking to you until you take off your clothes," she delivered with a perfectly straight face. There was a line he never thought he would hear from Sam Puckett, but she was adamant. As most of the arguments between them go, Sam got her way.

So there he was, sitting at the kitchen table, wearing a too small, fluffy, pink towel around his waist and another across his shoulders. Underneath he only had his wet boxers on – he drew the line there. The only other thing he wore was a scowl as he waited for Sam to come back from the laundry room. In front of him on the table was a steaming mug of tea that Sam was thoughtful enough to offer. Actually, she plunked the mug down in front of him and ordered him to drink it, but it was the thought that counted. Freddie grabbed the mug with both hands; the warmth was a relief to his still frozen digits. The cup shook as he brought it up to his mouth carefully. He was still struggling to control his shivering, but at least he can talk normally now. He winced as he sipped the hot tea, not because of the heat but because of the ridiculous amount of sugar Sam put in it.

He heard Sam on her phone as she was walking back to the kitchen. "Thanks Carls. I'll tell him. I know. Bye." She put her phone away as she stepped into the kitchen with a stoic mask still on her face. She had a towel around her shoulders she used to dry her hair. The old Sam would have had a field day and would have probably snapped a dozen pictures by now. This Sam was cold and uncaring – or at least that's how she pretended to be. She moved stiffly and with hesitation as Freddie watched her walk across the kitchen to the thermostat on the wall. She turned the heat up for him – another thoughtful gesture considering her icy demeanor. It was like watching an actor in a play moving around on stage, looking for the mark before facing the audience to deliver a line. It was part of what he'd been afraid of – why he didn't want to tell anyone he was sick. He didn't want to have to sweep up eggshells every time he talked to someone. Sam leaned back with her palms on the kitchen counter behind her and finally made eye contact with him. "Your clothes should be dry in an hour or so. Carly said she'll ask Spencer to come pick you up."

"Thanks," Freddie replied. "Can I borrow your phone?" He nodded towards his useless phone on the table. "Mine got waterlogged and I want to let my mom know what's up."

She walked over and handed over her phone. As she did, she touched his hand and a concerned look passed over her face. Wordlessly, she laid her palm on the side of his neck and left it there for a few seconds. To Freddie, the warmth of her touch felt wonderful. "You're still ice-cold," was all she said, and then she turned around and walked out of the kitchen. Freddie realized it was dangerous to have Sam touch him like that. It invoked emotions he wasn't prepared to deal with. Freddie tried to shrug off the feeling and dialed his mom's number.

With his numb fingers, it took Freddie a couple of tries to get the number keyed in right. He took a couple of breaths before he hit the call button.

"Hi Mom. It's me."

_"Freddie? Where are you, sweetie? I tried calling your phone earlier but it went straight to voice-mail."_

"My phone's dead." He didn't bother to tell her why. "I'm using Sam's phone right now."

_"So where are you? Do you need me to pick you up?"_

"No mom, don't worry about that. Spencer is coming to pick me up from Sam's house in a bit. I should be home in an hour or so. I have to take care of some things here."

_"Can't it wait? It's a school night, you know?" _

"I know mom. I'll be home soon."

_"Did you eat?"_

"I had something to eat," Freddie lied, "don't worry. But mom, this really can't wait." He thought of a number of things he could tell her, but because the truth was an easier excuse he said, "I told Carly today." He didn't need to explain any further.

_"Oh," _Mrs. Benson replied awkwardly. "_I see_." There was an uncomfortable pause.

"Anyway I'm here to talk to Sam about it."Freddie knew his mom wouldn't make it difficult if it had something to do with that.

After a few seconds of silence she asked, _"Are you ok?"_

"Yeah, I guess," he said in a non-committal way.

_"I'll be here to talk when you get home," _his mom said in a hopeful tone.

Freddie hesitated. "I don't know. I think I just want to crash when I get home." Although it was the truth, he was glad to have an excuse to avoid the conversation with his mother. It always seemed to end up at the same topic and he just didn't have the energy to deal with that too.

_"Oh ok," _she said dejectedly_. "That's fine then." _

"Mom, I still haven't made up my mind. So don't worry" added Freddie to appease her. "We'll talk about it later."

"_You know I love you right?"_ It was a silly question but he heard it from her a lot lately.

"Of course, mom - I love you too. I'll see you in a bit. Bye."

"_Bye."_

"How is she doing?" asked Sam as he hung up.

Freddie hadn't noticed her walk in. He wondered how much Sam overheard. He smirked and said, "You have a nasty habit of eavesdropping on people's conversations, you know?"

Sam's eyes became hard but she didn't say anything.

Freddie sighed. "About what you'd expect I guess," he answered her question vaguely.

"Here," she said and flapped open a crocheted throw blanket she was holding. Sam walked up to him and replaced the towel around his shoulder with it. She leaned close to him to wrap it around.

Having Sam that close was definitely disconcerting. Freddie felt her warm breath on his skin and silently cursed his light complexion. Sam didn't notice the flush in his cheeks – or at least she acted like she didn't.

"You need to warm up your chest area more. We don't want your body core temperature to drop down." Freddie arched an eyebrow at that remark. "It's something I saw on TV," Sam explained. "I like watching survival shows and stuff. You are probably hypothermic by now. Keep drinking the tea," she directed. "It'll help."

Freddie sat back down and grabbed the mug of hot tea. "Thank you," he said. The blanket was made from a thick yarn and he felt warmer already. "That was very… thoughtful."

"You say that like you don't expect me to be thoughtful." she accused.

"I didn't mean it like that."

She went back to leaning against the kitchen counter and, without further preamble, she commanded, "So talk."

Freddie recalled how Carly told him this was going to be difficult. He had so much to say to Sam, but he knew he had to be careful or the conversation will go south quickly. She knew a lot more details about his condition than Carly did so there was no need to go into more exposition. He stared at the contents of the mug in his hands and said, "I told Carly everything today." It was as good a place to start as any.

"It's about time," Sam replied acidly. Freddie let out another heavy sigh and hung his head – difficult indeed. "She mentioned something about it," she added, softening her tone a little bit. Perhaps if he suffered a little more obviously he could use it to his advantage. "How did she take it?" asked Sam.

"She was shocked, then upset, and then worried. All in all she took it much better than I expected." Freddie shrugged. "I don't really know what I was thinking would happen. Carly told me she was more upset that I kept it from her."

"I know how she feels," grumbled Sam.

"Well - she didn't try to punch me at least," he said glibly. Sam's eyes went flat so he held up a hand to make peace. "Look Sam, I'm sorry for what happened between us that morning. I wish it didn't go down like that. I really didn't want you to find out the way you did. It's just…" he left it hanging as he struggled to explain.

"You didn't want me to find out at all," Sam finished.

"No…" Freddie began to deny but finally admitted, "Maybe… I don't know. It probably would have been better if you didn't know." The flash of anger in Sam's eyes told him that was the wrong thing to say. "Damn it. I didn't mean it that way. I just didn't want you and Carly to worry about me. You understand right?"

"No. I don't." She emphasized each word to make her point. It seemed he was just making things worse.

"Well…" Freddie was going to try and explain why but decided to give up on that tack. Even if she didn't understand his reasons – he definitely understood hers. So instead he tried a more direct approach. "Actually, I didn't come here to talk about me – or Carly."

"What do want to talk about?" she asked.

"You," said Freddie pointedly.

"Me?" Genuine surprise showed on her face, immediately followed by suspicion. "Why?" She was already taking a defensive posture to this line of conversation.

"Sam." Freddie looked at her doubtfully.

"What?" she asked sharply. "I'm fine."

"No, you're absolutely _not _fine."

Sam bristled at that and said, "So now you're going to tell me how I'm supposed to feel?"

"You know that's not it," Freddie said exasperatedly.

"Fine, you tell me everything that's wrong with me." Sam was seemed to be angling for a fight. "So what is it? Tell me. Tell me what you want to say." She stepped forward pugnaciously.

"C'mon Sam, I didn't wait out in the rain for four hours so that we can come in here and fight like children." On top of his exhaustion and being chilled to his bones, he wasn't sure if he was up to a full blown argument right now.

"That was your own idiotic decision. Well you came here to talk. Go ahead – talk."

Freddie felt the blood rushing to his face and he felt dizzy. He covered his face with one hand and massaged his throbbing temples with his thumb and middle finger. Sam wanted to vent her frustration - which he could understand. It was his fault entirely to begin with so he couldn't really get angry at her. But the whole running around in circles thing wasn't solving anything. _Why was this so much easier with Carly?_

"What are you mumbling about? If you're going to say something to me, just say it."

Freddie thought he must be really out of it if he didn't even realize he was talking out loud. He knew it probably wasn't a good idea right now, but he was going to give in to the fight she wanted. He felt he owed her that much at least. Freddie mustered up his most calm voice – he knew nothing irritated Sam more than someone trying to be reasonable when all she wanted to do was kick their ass. "Fine. Would you mind telling me why you have been so pissed off at me then?

"What do you mean? I'm not pissed off at you," denied Sam.

Her statement was so obviously ludicrous that it was hard to keep the contempt out his retort. "Oh please." He ignored her menacing glower and proceeded to tick off his points. "You haven't been the same since that morning in my bedroom. When I try and talk to you about it, I get the cold shoulder – so much so over the last month that I'm finally convinced that you hate me." He saw her flinch at that. "You've shut everybody out everyone who cares about you – even Carly. She's supposed to be your best friend – remember? The only reason I even told Carly everything today was because she was worried sick about you." He knew he was being terribly unfair but continued. "Then last week you take it all out on that poor girl on the show. That was completely out of line, Sam. She didn't deserve what you said to her and you know it." He could see the effect all it was having on her. Sam's jaw line was twitching with suppressed rage while her hands balled into fists. Freddie knew he was treading on dangerous ground, but he had to get her to crack. "It doesn't matter anyway, that was never about her. So please don't stand there and tell me you're not pissed at me."

Sam took a step towards him and began her tirade. "Listen jackass," she said, almost yelling. "First things first, don't blame me that you had to tell precious Carly today," she said viciously. Freddie wished Sam would stop referring to her like that. "You chose to do that yourself – you freaking idiot." The name calling was another thing Freddie wished she stopped doing. "Secondly, that girl deserved everything she got. It was a crappy thing she was doing. She was going to leave her boyfriend without telling him why beforehand. That guy was in love with her and she was just going to walk away from him." Sam's eyes were beginning to water. "What kind of piece-of-shit person does that? What was that guy supposed to do? Just wake up one day and find out you were gone? That's bullshit!" She slammed her palm on the kitchen table. More quietly but with equal intensity she added, "He deserved to know the truth."

In the awkward silence that followed, he knew why this was easier with Carly. When he talked to Carly earlier, she wasn't trying her hardest to hide her feelings from him like this. She didn't have to pretend being his friend. Sam did. She had always been hiding her real feelings behind a mask. Even though for the last few weeks all he felt from Sam was indifferent coldness, her passionate anger was melting through the facade. If he hadn't been so busy chewing on his own misery for a month, he probably would have figured it out. _Then again_, he thought, _maybe not_. _What a lousy time to realize I'm in love with her._ Freddie came to that conclusion when he left school today. He shook his head. _Maybe it could have been different before._ _Now, all I can possibly give her is pain. _Freddie was suddenly very, very angry at the unfairness of it all_._

Sam saw his head shake. "What?"

"You meant 'she'," he answered cryptically.

"What are you talking about?" she challenged impatiently.

"You said, 'wake up one day and find out _you_ were gone'. You meant 'she was gone', didn't you?" Freddie held her gaze and waited for a response.

"Don't try to psychoanalyze me, damn it," replied Sam furiously. "The thing with the girl had nothing to do with what happened between you and me!"

"Bull-shit, it doesn't!" he replied more fiercely than he intended. "That was _all_ about you and me. And you know what? You were right. That girl's boyfriend needed to know the truth. But _I'm_ the one that didn't tell you the truth. _I'm_ the one who hid something from you." Freddie voice rose with each statement. "I deserved everything you said, I admit. I really don't know if "I'm sorry" is ever going to be good enough to make up for that, but it's all I got. Now, I want to make sure _you_ understand one thing - that girl was making a choice - I'm not." Freddie's anger finally got the best of him and he turned it onto Sam. "I have _fucking_ cancer! So tell me what are you really mad at? Are you mad at me because I didn't tell you? Or are you mad at me because I'm going to _die_?"

The mug shattered against the wall before Freddie even realized it was out of his hands. Steaming tea was splashed all over the white cabinets. The back of his hand stung where she slapped it.

"SHUT UP!" Sam screamed with her face just inches from his. "Don't ever say that to me! You don't know that!" Her voice was shrill and her face was stricken. "That's not going to happen – you are not going to die!" She said it as if the force of her conviction could prevent it from happening. "I need you to believe that. Please. For** me** – please," Sam pleaded frantically. "You can't leave me. I don't know what I would do without you!" Then she was horrified as she realized she revealed too much. She turned to hide the tears welling up in her eyes. Freddie reached out and grabbed her arm. "No - let me go." Sam tried to pull away but Freddie held on.

"Sam, I'm so sorry," apologized Freddie sincerely. "I really am." Though he didn't say it, Sam understood he was apologizing for more than just what he said to her.

She choked back a sob and, without turning back, accused him. "How could you say that? That was a horrible thing to say."

"I know." That was the first time he had spoken to anyone about his death. It was always there, like some strange object you poked a stick at but never had the courage to pick up and examine closely. Even his doctors managed to cleverly dance around the topic. Freddie was ashamed to have used it as he did to get Sam to finally open up. He knew how much it would hurt Sam when he said it, but he didn't count on his own reaction. His frustration about the whole thing was beyond its limit. All of the anger and despair from the moment he found out about his cancer slammed into him like a truck. But it was so much worse this time. As he stared intently at Sam's back, he knew why. This time around, it wasn't just about him. The wall he carefully built in his mind to hold back his emotions were demolished in an instant. He squeezed his eyes shut and he tensed every muscle in his body to contain it. The sound of his gnashing teeth reverberated inside his skull. Freddie wanted to scream so badly.

"Ow, Freddie, you're hurting me," Sam said and Freddie immediately let go of her arm. The sound of her voice brought him back from the edge. He opened his eyes and saw her worried face looking back at him. "You're shaking again. Are you alright?"

The madness subsided. "I'm… I'll be ok. I just…" he took a deep breath and waved off her concern. "I'm fine."

She started to say something but stopped. Wordlessly, she turned around to clean up the spilled tea. Freddie just watched her as she picked up the pieces of the shattered mug and threw them away. A minute ticked away before Sam spoke again. "What you said - is that what you really think of me?" she asked in a voice filled with hurt. "Do you think that I'm such a terrible person that I've been mad at you because you're sick? Because… you might," Sam couldn't bring herself to say the word again so instead said, "…leave?"

Freddie's voice was thick with emotion as he answered, "I don't know." He stood up, shrugging off the blanket wrapped around him and walked up to Sam. Bare-chested he stood close to her and softly asked, "Are you Sam? Are you angry at me for that?"

Sam's breathing was ragged and her lips trembled as she tried to hold her tears back. It was a long second before she finally admitted, "_Yes_." Freddie smiled sadly and nodded his understanding. He was keenly aware of the pain she felt and he wished nothing more than to take it away. With wounded eyes Sam asked, "Could you ever forgive me?"

Freddie found her lips and she answered his kiss hungrily. She grabbed the back of his head and pulled him into her. They desperately clung onto each other for a long time. Freddie felt like a drowning man breaking the surface of the water to gulp down draughts of fresh air. He felt the warmth of her body spread through him as he held her. Sam's other hand clawed slowly up his back sending chills up his spine. One of his hands burned dangerously at the bare skin at her hip. For that moment, she was all he could think of - she was all that he wanted. It was all he could do to resist the urge to take the situation further. He was sure she wanted him too - but she meant more to him than that. That was something between them he never wanted to regret. When they finally broke apart, Freddie clasped her hand and placed it over his heart. "I love you," he told her helplessly.

"I love you too," answered Sam. Then with a broken hearted cry, she fell into his arms in a sudden storm of weeping.

_

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_

_That's one more down. This is getting harder and harder to write. I think I have 2 maybe 3 more chapters to go. Thnx again for reading._


	6. Did You Mean It?

_Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments. ^_^ I hope to live up to them with the rest of the story._

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

* * *

Freddie imagined what the scene must look like. There he stood in a small kitchen with white cabinets, half naked with just a pink towel wrapped around his waist, holding a sobbing blonde haired girl who he - at many different points in his life - thought was placed on this earth to specifically torment him. It was ridiculously wonderful. For the rest of his life, he would remember that moment as the first time he ever felt whole. When Sam said she loved him, he found something he didn't know he was looking for – something he wasn't aware was next to him the entire time. Sam crying lessened and finally stopped, but Freddie still embraced her protectively in the comfortable silence. He didn't really need to say anything because he understood. It was some time before either of them spoke.

"Did you mean it?" asked Sam tentatively, afraid to break the peaceful mood.

"What?" Freddie replied.

"That you love me?"

"That's a silly question, isn't it?"

"No, it isn't," Sam pushed away slightly to look up at him. She sniffed and used the back of her hands to wipe away the tearstains on her cheeks. Her eyes were still red and puffy, but the vulnerability in them was unfamiliar. "I'm serious," she intoned.

"Yes," he answered her first question sincerely and apologized. "I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it. I don't think I've meant anything more in my life. I do love you." More playfully he added, "And besides, you're the one that started crying after I told you that." Freddie feigned a look of horror. "How's that supposed to make me feel?"

Sam gasped. "That's not fair!"

"You're telling me?" Freddie watched her worry some more. "I'm kidding. I'm kidding," he said finally.

That seemed to appease her but she punched him in the shoulder anyway. _Some things will never change._ He winced theatrically, but in truth Freddie was glad for that little bit of reaction from Sam. He had missed those things in the few weeks they avoided each other. "I love you too," said Sam again and rested her head against on his chest again, squeezing him in apology. _I can grow fond of this too, though. _Reflexively, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

"This feels even better than I thought it would," Sam said to herself as she nuzzled against him. Freddie couldn't disagree. There was nothing he could remember that felt more wonderful than this. "Why do you have to leave?" she implored to no one in particular. "I wish you could stay. Here – tonight."

The inappropriate implications of that statement made his head spin. The length of her body pressed against didn't help. Surprisingly, Freddie didn't really feel all that cold anymore. However, he didn't want things to escalate into something he knew they weren't ready for. "Sam, I'm not sure that's a good idea," he said nervously, but when she pulled away again, he felt a sudden surge of disappointment.

"Why not," she asked quizzically, "I just wanted to talk?" Sam rolled her eyes when she saw the mix of relief and regret on his face. Suddenly she smirked - some of the old, impish Sam seemed to be coming back. "Although…" She bit her lower lip alluringly. "I do keep thinking about all the opportunities we missed. All of those times we were alone at Carly's," she purred. "Maybe we could make up for lost time?" She started to trace the lines of his chest with her finger tips. Quickly, Freddie snatched her hand and held it. She mistook the pained expression that crossed his features as disapproval. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. I mean I meant to… It's just…you know…?" she struggled to explain and just shrugged.

"No - no. I feel the same," Freddie answered hurriedly. It was very, very difficult for him to talk coherently just then. His entire body was on fire. He took a deep breath to slow his heart down. "I think, for now, we should avoid…complications."

"Why?" she asked and then surprised him by stealing a long, lingering kiss. Freddie's pulse rate shot back up and his knees turned to jelly. He felt her smile against his lips as she asked, "Is this complicated?"

With great difficulty Freddie pulled away and said, "Yes. It really is." Because Sam looked crestfallen, he added, "But you can be very persuasive," and smiled.

Sam smiled back, but then tilted her head curiously as she kept staring into his eyes. "What's wrong?"

Behind his smile he was thinking about exactly how complicated this made everything. There were a lot of things he wanted to explain, and he knew he wouldn't be able to express them very well. "I don't want to upset you again - so please listen to what I mean and not how I say it - promise?

"I'll try," shrugged Sam.

"I love you. I don't want you to ever doubt that," he began. "But I can't shake the feeling that this is a mistake. Ah –ah – ah you promised." He held up a finger when he saw the look on her face.

Indignantly she came back with, "I did not… I said I'll _try_."

"Fair enough," he agreed and paused before continuing, "Sam, let's face it - I don't have much of a future. I don't know what will happen to me, but I do know it will be hard - and not just on me. You deserve more than what I can possibly give you. There's no denying that it would be easier for you if you didn't care about me. I came here tonight to convince you of that." He paused briefly to gather his thoughts. "Truth is I wasn't strong enough to do that. Before today, I convinced myself I could do this alone. I mean, my mom is there, but that's different. The more I pushed you guys away, the easier it became, at least on the surface." He rubbed his eyes and began to pace. "I think I might have gone a little insane there. Not like bouncing of the walls crazy, but it was scarier. It was like my whole world shrank. I kept looking on the internet for an answer," he turned and looked at her. "You know how that feels, right?"

"How did you...?"

Freddie shook his head, "It's not important. Anyway, what I read scared the hell out of me, Sam. Even the survivor stories were hard to read about. It wasn't just because of what they went through themselves – that was bad enough. But they kept losing friends they met along the way. That's what really did it to me. I kept thinking about you guys, my mom and everyone I would have to put through that. I could bear my pain – I couldn't bear yours. I tried to be strong and face it alone. I thought I was doing ok. Then today, when I talked to Carly and found out about you, it all came crashing down. I was just lying to myself. My little personal hell was affecting all of you too. I convinced myself out there," he gestured outside where he had waited in the rain, "that it would be better if you hated me." He cut off her protest, with a raised palm. "I wasn't strong enough to do that either. Now, I feel even crazier. I'm happy. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm angry. Above all of that, I know now that I love you. When I said that to you, it was like I tore myself in half. I knew I couldn't be whole again without you. When you said it back, it was like I found my reason to keep going." He stopped pacing and stared at the ceiling. "You know, just yesterday, I was content… No, that's the wrong word. I was resigned. I could have faded away. Today…" He closed his eyes and continued. "Sam, you make me want things in my life that I already gave up on - a life… with you in it." Freddie felt her grab his hands to unclench his fists. He consciously relaxed them and held her hands.

"Don't do that anymore. Don't hurt yourself like that," Sam begged. "I'm here now." She walked around him and wordlessly wrapped her arms around his waist. He was amazed how much her touch calmed him down.

"That's part of the problem," he took one hand and held her cheek tenderly, "because I don't want to hurt you. You shouldn't have to suffer with me. It doesn't make any sense, you see? I care about you so much that I don't want you to care about me at all. If I was smart, I would just walk away, but it would kill me to hurt you like that." Freddie kissed her forehead and laughed sadly, "Even if I win, I lose. So, like I said – it's complicated."

"You don't really have a choice any more, though," declared Sam. "I don't know what you think of me. I mean, I don't want you to think that this is some kind of sympathy thing. I've been in love with you for a long time now. I know it doesn't seem that way since I haven't really shown it, but please believe me. I don't want to waste anymore time. I'm going to be with you from now on." Sam saw his eyes flinch. "There's something else isn't there?" she frowned but, before he could answer, the doorbell rang.

"That's probably Spencer," Freddie suggested. Sam stood waiting for an answer. "We'll talk more about it later." Sam still didn't budge. "I promise."

Sam nodded reluctantly after a moment's consideration. Without letting go of his hand, she walked into the living room to answer the door. In tow behind her, it wasn't until the door opened and a cold breeze blew in that Freddie remembered something kind of important.

"Hi Sam. Hey Fre…ddo…" greeted Spencer, with his voice trailing off. Spencer's eyes widened at Freddie's state of undress. He turned his head to Sam, then Freddie, then back. Spencer started to say something else a couple of times but failed. His gaze finally fell on their clasped hands and he understood. A toothy grin spread across Spencer's face and he nodded his approval. "I hope I'm not interrupting" he insinuated.

"Nope, we were done." Sam said with a perfectly straight face. Freddie in the meantime turned the same shade of pink as the towel around his waist. "Come in, Spencer. Thanks for coming to pick him up." She turned and gave Freddie a quick kiss on the lips and said, "Wait here. I'll go get your clothes - _lover_." Her eyes glinted mischievously as she said the last bit and walked out of the room. It took Freddie's addled mind a couple of seconds to register what she was playing at. Immediately his skin burned a bright red.

"We didn't…. I'd never… My clothes..." Freddie turned quickly and stammered at Spencer. Each thing he started to say sounded lamer than the last. "It's not what you think! She made me take them off!" he finally blurted out. That didn't really sound much better.

. "So far you're right on the button." When Freddie shot him a dark look, Spencer held out his palms, "Don't worry, this will be between you and me, buddy," and winked.

"Thanks a bunch," Freddie replied sarcastically and gave an exasperated sigh. "She really was kidding, you know?" he added.

"I don't know about that," Spencer observed. "She looked pretty serious about it." He patted Freddie on the shoulder. "You better watch out Freddie-boy. She's been after you for a while."

"What? Wait a minute. You knew too?" When Spencer nodded Freddie exclaimed, "Oh come on!" That brought out a sharp chuckle from Spencer.

Sam walked back into the room and handed Freddie his clothes. "Here you go - _baby_." She was still having fun at his expense.

Freddie grumbled his thanks and walked into the hallway bathroom. He heard Sam ask Spencer what was funny. Freddie really didn't want to leave Sam alone with him so she could weave more lewd tales, so he dressed quickly. The still warm pants and shirt felt good against his skin. His shoes were still soaking wet so he didn't bother with the socks. When he came back out he overheard the last bit of the conversation between Sam and Spencer. It was decidedly different than what he expected.

"…convince him about what?" Sam was whispering in a concerned tone.

"It's about his treatment. Marissa asked me to… Hey!" Spencer greeted over her shoulder as he saw Freddie in the hall.

"What's up?" Freddie pretended not to have overheard.

"Nothing," Spencer avoided and at the same time tossed him an umbrella. "Sam said you forgot your jacket. Ready to go?"

"Sure," he answered. Spencer hiked up his hood and walked outside to give them a chance to say goodbye. Freddie turned to the worried looking Sam. "I'll see you in the morning, Ok?"

"OK," Sam answered. He started to walk out but she turned him around by his arm. "I want to say something to you and I need to say it before I chicken out." Freddie nodded. "When I found out about you, I went kind of crazy too. I kept thinking how I blew it. So please - don't think about the things you said earlier. I want to be with you more than anything - no matter what. I love you, Freddie Benson. That's never going to change."

"Thank you." he kissed her on the cheek. "I love you too." He opened the umbrella and walked out into the rainy night.

* * *

_Thnx for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. I actually wanted to include the next part of the story with Spencer in this chapter, but it still needs hammering out. Problem is, my family is going to Utah for spring break for some backpacking and we are going to be out of touch with technology for a bit. So I guess I will work on it when I get back. Thank you again for all the lovely comments. Cya! _


	7. You Wouldn't Understand

_Hello again. It's been a long time, I know. This has been a tough year. Anyway I always had the intention of finishing this story. So I've been thinking about it the whole time. Thanks for reading._

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

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The rain was beginning to let up as Freddie walked to Spencer's car but there was still a sharp chill in the Seattle air. Strangely though, Freddie felt pretty warm as he smiled to himself about what happened tonight. It was amazing how he changed from just a couple of hours ago. He stopped in the middle of the pathway and tilted the umbrella back to look up at the night sky. He could see the dim stars beyond the patchy, dark clouds. Freddie felt the imagery was appropriate. Though he was still bone-tired from the last few months of sleepless nights and worrying, he felt a little spring in his step for the first time in a long time. His mind started to wander and anxious thoughts about tomorrow started to creep in, but he held on to the buoyant feeling and kept it at bay for a while longer. He started walking again and reached the car door. He quickly ducked in and shook of the umbrella before closing the door.

These days, Spencer drove a hybrid compact. It was definitely convenient and ecological, but it was a bit cramped. Freddie said, "Thanks for coming to get me."

"No worries, Freddo. It's a rough night out." Spencer gave him a sidelong glance with a smile. "I hear you had a tough day today." he added as he put the car into drive. "Although from what I just saw, it seems to have ended well."

"Yeah," Freddie admitted, "I guess. Weird right? Sam and me together I mean."

"Nah, not really. I was expecting it sooner or later. Actually I think everyone else could tell – except you apparently."

Freddie didn't really know what to say to that so he let the next few minutes pass in silence. He stared out the fogged up windows and just watched the city passing by. Spencer had always been a big brother to the three of them. Even though he was sometimes weird and wacky, they could always rely on him for support. It always surprised Freddie how Spencer could somehow see to the heart of things. He broke the silence by abruptly saying, "I guess you know all about me."

"Yes," he admitted. "Marissa told me about almost as soon as you guys found out."

"Really?" Freddie asked in genuine surprise. "You've known for that long and you haven't said anything?"

"Well, I figured you'd come around and tell us yourself. I wanted to give you a chance." Spencer sounded disappointed. "I have to say it took you longer than I thought."

"Yeah, I've been told that a lot lately." Freddie leaned back on the headrest. "I guess I kinda blew it."

"Just a bit - but I'm sure they've already forgiven you."

"I hope so."

Spencer's voice became suddenly serious. "I don't know what they will say about this other thing you are keeping from them."

Freddie sighed. It seemed that Spencer knew everything. He felt the warm feeling from earlier begin to slip away. "It's not that simple," he complained.

"So explain," Spencer said.

"I'm guessing mom told you about it," said Freddie and Spencer nodded. "I mean I understand that I have to go through treatment, it's just… what she wants me to do…" he struggled to find the words. "I mean c'mon- it's my senior year coming up. I'm supposed to be having the time of my life. I really don't want to be that far away from my friends." He knew he was being petulant and whiny, but after the emotional roller coaster he'd been on today he found it hard to care. "And now with Sam and everything… I don't know."

"You won't be gone forever, you know?"

"That's just it. I don't know." Freddie continued in frustration. "I could just as easily get worse in just a few months… "

"And Maryland is on the other side of the country," finished Spencer.

Freddie could only nod. There lay the real crux of his problem. An old colleague of his father was a researcher for the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, Maryland. Marissa reached out to him when they found out about his cancer. She learned about a cancer treatment program specialized in the type of lymphoma Freddie was suffering from. A clinical trial was set up to begin in two months and they were looking for candidates. Freddie's condition and circumstances fit their requirements perfectly. This new combination of chemo and radiotherapy had great success in earlier tests with less damage to the patient's system. Both his mom and his doctor agreed that this trial was the best chance of treating his cancer quickly. His lymphoma was still in an early stage where he could benefit from this type of experimental therapy. But the procedure was still in the early stages of testing which would require a prolonged stay for the patient to study any long term effects. The topic had been a sore point for Freddie in the last few weeks. He'd been avoiding facing it but realized he can't run away from it much longer. "If I go to Maryland, I might react well to treatment or completely reject it. Maybe something could happen there and I may never come back." There was a chill in his spine that wasn't from the cold air. "Or I could stay here for treatment and the same thing may happen." He sighed deeply. "I just don't know if any of that is worth it," he finished with a resigned tone.

"Look, Freddie…" Spencer began but Freddie interrupted without letting him finish.

"You know what really gets to me? It's the hopelessness of the whole thing. I saw a poll once where they asked doctors if they would go through chemo themselves if diagnosed. Ninety percent of them said no. These people don't even believe what they're doing is helping. I mean what the fuck?!" He slammed his palm on the dashboard to punctuate his frustration. He continued sarcastically, "Now I'm supposed to believe they found something new and better? It's just tough to swallow." Freddie scoffed. "I'm starting to believe that there's no cure for this. Hell, chemo isn't even a cure. It's a poison. It doesn't kill cancer – it just kills everything. You have to survive the treatment as much as you have to survive the cancer. Then I might have to go through a bone marrow transplant and then there's months and months of recovery and testing – all the while hoping it would work." He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "It's a lot to go through. Not just for me either."

Freddie understood that he was being unfair to Spencer and took a moment to compose himself. At the same time he felt relieved to have an outlet. Even with Sam he couldn't really let all of his frustration out. The events of the day were wearing out his civility. "I'm sorry for taking it out on you and I appreciate what you're doing. But I don't think you could really understand."

Spencer looked over at him and patted Freddie on his knee in a gesture of comfort. He turned to face the road again with his face unreadable. Spencer stayed silent until the next stoplight and then said, "My mom died from cancer, you know?"

If Spencer had kicked him in the head, Freddie could not have felt any worse. He felt like a complete and unmitigated ass. "I'm so sorry, man. I didn't…" he floundered. "Carly never… I mean…" Unable to find adequate words, he ended up just burying his face in his hands. "I can't believe I did that. I'm sorry, Spence," he apologized again.

"Look, it's OK." Spencer said and waited after Freddie acknowledged with a nod before continuing, "I didn't say that to make you feel worse. I just wanted you to know I do understand." Spencer tipped his head towards a coffee shop they were passing by. "So do you think we can talk about it? You can get something to warm you up a bit."

Freddie felt like the lowest life form and so felt obligated. "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

* * *

"Our mom was an artist," Spencer began after sitting down. He stared out of the window at the cars that splashed by. He absently swirled his coffee cup to help cool it down. "I guess that's where I get it from. I don't think my dad has an artistic bone in his body. She always made time to come to my art class in grade school." He continued somewhat regretfully, "I wish she could see some of the things I've done since then. I think she would really like it."

"Why haven't you guys talked about her before?" Freddie asked as he sipped his coffee, relishing the warmth it spread across his chest.

"Carly was too young to understand what was going on. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't remember much. It's been very hard for our dad to talk to us about her. Sometimes I think it's the main reason he stays away from home." Spencer shifted to pull out his wallet and took out a picture. He handed it to Freddie. "That's her."

When Freddie saw the picture he felt a jolt of recognition. "She looks just like Carly," said Freddie. "Or I guess that's the other way around." The resemblance was remarkable. The picture included the entire Shay family. Carly was still a baby, probably not more than a year old in her mom's arms. Spencer had a huge smile on his face as he leaned into frame. Freddie had only met Mr. Shay once or twice but he recognized him in the photo. It was a picture of the perfect family. However, there was a weary sadness in the parents' eyes. "This was taken after they found out, isn't it?" Freddie asked as he handed the photo back.

"Yeah," Spencer said sadly. "You see it too right?" He stared hard at it for a few seconds before he put it away. "Of course I couldn't tell back then. I was ten years old. I just thought mom was kinda tired."

"What kind of cancer was it? If you don't mind me asking, that is."

Spencer waved off his concern. "She had ovarian cancer. They found it soon after Carly was born."

"It must have been rough when you found out," said Freddie as he remembered the moments after he learned about his own illness.

"I don't think I handled it too well," Spencer admitted with a wry smile. "I just remember being so angry at her. It's silly to think about now but back then it felt like my world was coming apart and I didn't know who to blame. I ran off and locked myself into my room." He took another sip of his coffee. "It took my parents more than an hour to get me to open my door. We talked for long time after that. Most of the time I just stayed crying in my mom's arms until I finally fell asleep. The rest of it seemed to happen so fast. She was gone before I knew it." The last sentence lingered uncomfortably between them and they spent the next minute just watching the other patrons of the coffee shop immersed in their own thoughts. When the awkward moment had passed, Spencer turned to Freddie. "Enough about me, though. We are here to talk about you." When Freddie didn't say anything immediately, he asked, "Why don't you want to get treatment?"

"I don't know if I'd say that exactly," Freddie argued. "There are people who live with this kind of lymphoma for 7 or 8 years without showing any symptoms. It's slow to spread but it's tenacious. It can be put into remission but it's very hard to cure. Then if it does come back, it comes back with a vengeance. I just feel like if I go through the treatment, all I will do is put myself and everyone around me through hell - a very real and painful kind of hell. In the end it might be for nothing. I may live longer, I may not." He tried shrug off the last sentiment, but he choked a bit on it. "I guess, right now, I don't want to waste the time I have."

"What do you think Sam would say?"

Freddie was caught a bit off guard by the bluntness of Spencer's question. He almost told Sam how he felt before Spencer came to pick him up. He wasn't sure what her reaction would've been. "Yeah, that really complicates it - doesn't it?" Freddie admitted as he stared at the contents of his cup. "I mean, if tonight didn't happen – maybe it would have been easier. But now I'm in love with her and I don't know if I can put those feelings away to leave her." He set his cup down with a little more force than he intended. Some of its contents splashed onto his wrist. Freddie yelped and drew some attention from the people around them. He looked at them foolishly and wiped up the spill with his napkin. "This just sucks all around."

Spencer leaned back and looked at him for a moment before saying. "The decision is entirely up to you, of course. But just keep in mind that I know what it's like to lose someone to cancer." Spencer waited until Freddie met his gaze before he continued. "Right now, I think you are acting the same way I did when I found out about my mom. You're afraid because you don't know what's going to happen next. And that's ok." Spencer tapped his forefinger on the table to emphasize his next point. "But right now - you're just locking yourself in a room like I did, hoping it will all go away." Spencer shook his head. "You're smart enough to know that doesn't work. There's no one to blame for this. Stop looking for it. If it helps to think about it this way – you are not the only victim here." Spencer gave him a shrewd look. "Carly told me what happened today - how you found out about Sam and how she found out. I'll bet that you went over to Sam's tonight to tell her it wouldn't work out. You went there to break her heart for her own good." Spencer watched Freddie's face slowly flush a deep red. "I hope you realized how silly that was. Keeping this from the people that care about you doesn't protect them from it. All you're doing hurting them."

"I know that now," Freddie begrudgingly agreed.

"I also have to say, I'm surprised at how you've treated your mom during all this." Freddie flinched at that remark. "You do realize she wants what's best for you?"

"Of course I do," he retorted.

"But you shut her off anyway. When a person you love shuts you out like that, at a moment like this - that's an intense kind of pain. You are all she has. Have you imagined what this must be like for her?" Spencer's accusations cut deeply. "That's not like you. She deserves a lot more than that."

"You're right. It's just… I don't know what to do. How do I know what I choose is right?"

"You don't," Spencer told him directly. "No one can tell you for sure. You're a smart guy. You've read up on this a lot. You've seen the odds. All you can do is stack them as much in your favor. Just don't let the fear make the decision for you. Think about all the people you've read about who've suffered through this. Do you honestly think they would go through all of that if they were only thinking about themselves?" Spencer gave him a moment to think about that. "Sam and Carly will understand everything, don't worry about that. They love you, man. I don't think there's anything in this world they wouldn't do for you." Spencer leaned over and grabbed his shoulder. "This is probably the hardest thing you will ever do. But believe me when I tell you that sharing this with people who love you can only make you stronger." He squeezed Freddie's shoulder for reassurance. "Being away from us makes it seem harder. But you know we are always going to be with you. We'll come see you as much as we can. You can count on it."

"Thanks," Freddie answered quietly.

Spencer sat back and smiled. His voice, however, continued to be serious as he added, "I really came to tell you just one thing, though. When my mom got cancer, she had no chance. They found it too late. It sounds odd to say it, but you are one of the lucky ones." The look on his face was intense as he told Freddie, "I'd have done anything to give my mom the chance that you have right now - even if it meant I could only see her just one more day. One day. There's so much you can tell someone in just one day. Don't throw this chance away." Spencer let that sink in before adding. "I guarantee you Sam will feel the same."

Freddie didn't really know what to say to that. They both finished their coffee in silence and drove home. The quiet time gave Freddie time to digest the events of the day and sort out his feelings. He understood now that he'd spent the last few months wasting time. It was a rough day, but a good one all the same. It seemed ridiculous how quickly his eyes were opened to the truth of it all. His friends brought everything important into focus. It's not everyday you found out your best friend was in love with you. That thought made Freddie smile.

Spencer saw the smile and knew he had come to the right decision. He patted Freddie shoulder. Freddie still had some explaining to do with Sam and Carly, but that would wait until tomorrow. Relief battled with fatigue when they arrived at Bushwell Plaza. He couldn't recall how they got there, much less the walk up to his front door. But he knew he had to hold off the exhaustion for a while longer. There was one last thing to do.

When Marissa Benson opened her bedroom door, her son smiled softly at her and said, "Hi mom, can we talk?"

Barely able to hold her tears back, she embraced him tightly and murmured, "Sure."


	8. A New Day

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

* * *

Freddie Benson woke up to a new day. For the first time in months he felt rested. It was a good way to wake up. He shrugged off his sheets and rolled out of bed. The air in the room was stale so he opened a window to let some fresh air in. The outside air was chilly but it did little to dampen his spirits today. The sounds of a waking city flooded his room as he leaned out and smiled - mornings after a storm always felt brighter. There was a knock on his door.

"Are you up, sweetie?" his mom asked.

"Come in." he answered.

Marissa Benson smiled widely as she walked in and gave him hug. "Good morning, dear." Freddie even allowed her to ruffle his hair like she did when he was little with no complaint. It amazed Freddie how much his mom had changed. He felt ashamed thinking about what he put her through for so long, but Freddie was glad to see joy and hope in his mom's eyes again. "Sam left a message on the machine just now when I was getting the paper. She said she'll meet you over at Carly's. She tried to call you but your cell still wasn't working. She's such a nice girl." Some of the changes were definitely weird, Freddie admitted - creepy even. He couldn't have imagined his mom saying anything nice about Sam just a day ago. He told his mom last night about everything - especially how Sam played a role in his decision to go to Maryland. Marissa Benson was definitely grateful to Sam for that. She looked him over critically. "Are you sure you don't want to go back to sleep? It's ok for you to miss school today. I know you've been exhausted lately."

"No mom, I'm fine," he reassured her. "I actually feel really good. Besides," he grinned sheepishly, "I have some important stuff to take care of."

Marissa put her palm on his cheek and smiled knowingly. "I'm glad." She turned to leave and said, "I'll be making breakfast before I go out to see Dr. Sorensen. So tell me what you want."

"Coffee, bacon and eggs," Freddie asked hopefully. His mom arched her eyebrow at that. "Soy milk, whole grain toast and fruit then," he corrected. She nodded and walked out of his room. Some things won't change, he guessed. He shrugged and headed for the shower.

In the shower, he thought of how he would tell Sam and Carly about his decision. He was sure Spencer was right about how they would react. He was done thinking negatively, so he put it out of his mind for now. He let the hot water sluice away all the tension in his body. When he finished, he dried off and pulled on his jeans. He headed downstairs shirtless with a towel around his shoulders. His mom had left him his breakfast on the table with a note that simply said_ I'll talk to you after school - Love, Mom_. Freddie was only able to take a few bites before something banged loudly against his front door. Startled, he called out, "Hello?" The only answer he got was another set of sharp bangs. Frowning, he got up and walked to the door. The banging continued. Freddie peered through the peep hole and saw a blond head on the other side. There was no mistaking who it was. He opened the door quickly and stood before Sam.

She stopped banging in mid swing and dropped her arms to her sides. She was looking down at the floor so her face was hidden by her hair. Sam didn't look up at him but Freddie could see her shoulders shaking. "Sam?" Alarmed, he put his hands on her shoulders and asked, "Are you alright?"

Whatever her response might have been, Freddie didn't hear it. The next few seconds became a blur. He tasted bile in his mouth and he coughed as the acid seared his throat. He couldn't tell whether his eyes were watering from that or from the excruciating pain that suddenly bloomed in his abdomen. Not sure if he was ever going to be able to breathe again, he gulped a lungful of air. Something else slammed into his side and that took the air out of him again. He blinked rapidly and the room finally swam back into focus. He lay crumpled on his side on the floor. The first sound that assaulted his ears was someone screeching, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!" He stared up at Sam who still had he fists balled in a rage. She looked like a madwoman. The rest of her words were incoherent. He also wished whoever it was that was groaning would stop, until he realized it was coming from him.

Suddenly, a door opened somewhere and someone said, "Oh my god! Sam!" Then he heard Sam yelling at someone to let her go and Carly was kneeling over him. "Freddie! Freddie! Oh god! Are you okay?"

"Carly," he croaked. He tried to shake his head but ended up feeling nauseous. "What the hell just happened?" He struggled to gather his thoughts.

"You know exactly what's going on!" he heard Sam yell. "You lied to me!" Her voice broke between each crackling vituperation. "You stupid son-of-a-bitch – Why did you lie to me?!"

His stomach was on fire as he sat up with Carly's help. He looked at the doorway where Spencer still held Sam back by her waist and one wrist. He had lifted her off her feet so she couldn't get traction. Her eyes were red and puffy but still blazed with unsuppressed fury. "What are you talking about?" he managed to squeak out.

"You said you loved me!" she accused. "But you still wouldn't tell me everything. Why? I told you I'd be there no matter what! I told you I love you and the whole time you were lying to me!" She hurled every accusation at him with all the rage she could muster. She tore her arm from Spencer's grip. "Don't you understand you're sick? After everything that happened last night, how could you keep this from me?" She wrapped her arms around her chest and sobbed. Sam seemed on the verge of collapsing.

Freddie struggled to his feet and waved off Carly's concerned look. Freddie caught Spencer's gaze and nodded once. When he let go of Sam, she slid to the floor on her knees. Her hands covered her face while she wept. Freddie knelt before her and held her wrists gently. "Sam, I do love you," he whispered. "That wasn't a lie. Please talk to me." She struggled briefly but eventually looked up at him. Her eyes were raw and there was now a deep, desperate fear in them. "Tell me what happened."

With a cry she finally gave in and reached for him. Sam held onto him fiercely. He winced in pain but endured it. She let go after a while and between sobs, she was able to answer him. "I came over to Carly's and I didn't see anyone. When I went upstairs I heard Spencer telling Carly what you guys talked about last night. He said that you didn't want to go to Maryland for treatment because of us - because of me." She broke down again.

Freddie looked up at Spencer with a questioning look. "I didn't know she was there," Spencer said. "I was just telling Carly what happened last night when she asked. We didn't know what was going on until we heard screaming."

"You have to get better. You have to go," Sam pleaded. "Why didn't you tell me? How could you do that to me?"

"Sam, sweetie" Carly answered for him, "you didn't stay to listen to the rest." Sam looked up at Carly. "Spencer also told me that he was able to convince Freddie to go – because of you. He's going to Maryland."

Sam jerked back from Freddie in alarm. You mean?" All the traces of her anger and sorrow were gone. She looked at Spencer then back to Carly then looked at Freddie.

"Yeah," Freddie smiled at her crookedly. "I am. Mom is going to the doctor's office right now to find out what I need to do. Last night Spencer helped me realize what I _have_ to do." He tried to get up but the pain brought him back onto his knees. "Although, if I had decided differently, I'm sure you would have convinced me to change my mind." He rubbed at his sore stomach.

Sam's face turned beet red to the roots of her hair. "Oh my god!" she exclaimed. "I'm so sorry Freddie! I thought…"

Spencer couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing. He had to lean against the door frame to keep his balance. Sam jumped up towards him threateningly. "It's not funny!" He held his palms out to her to indicate he was sorry, but he couldn't stop. Suddenly, Carly started giggling as well. "Stop it! Both of you!" commanded Sam. All she did was make them laughed harder. Freddie also started to chuckle weakly, but his laughter was interrupted with gasps of pain. "You guys I swear! Stop laughing!" She stomped her foot. "It's not funny," she repeated to no avail. Sam continued to glare at them, trying her very hardest to remain angry. Finally the corners of her mouth tilted upwards and she gave in helplessly to the laughter.

After a minute they all calmed down and collected themselves. Freddie wiped at his eyes and asked for someone to help him up. Carly and Sam each grabbed and arm to pull him up. Sam immediately wrapped him up with her arms as he stood and buried her face in his shoulder, murmuring apologies the whole time. "Thanks guys, but can you give us a minute? We'll be out in a second."

"Okay," agreed Carly, "but one more thing." Suddenly she let out a girlish squeal and hugged them both. "I'm so happy for you guys!" Carly was almost bouncing of the walls with glee. Then Carly and Spencer, still grinning widely, left the apartment. As soon the door closed behind them, Freddie and Sam heard another peal of laughter from the hallway.

"They suck," Sam pouted.

"I think they're great." Freddie gently pushed Sam away and held her hand. "And they probably saved my life just now," he teased. She started to apologize again but he shushed her softly. He wiped at the tear streaks on her face. "I understand how you felt, it's okay. I was scared for a long time too. Honestly, I tried to tell you about it last night, but after everything that happened - I didn't know how."

Sam reached out and touched his face. "I'm so sorry. I've acted very badly lately. I feel awful about it. You didn't need that, right now. It's just, after last night – I don't want to lose what I found. I guess I went a little crazy again. Forgive me?"

"Only if you forgive me," said Freddie. "It's my fault for keeping it from you. You should have given me that gut check months ago," he rubbed at the spot she hit, "then I wouldn't have had to waste all this time. I'm sorry I had to put you through all that." He sighed heavily. "Now it looks like you to go through more because of me." He squeezed her fingers and asked, "Will this be okay? I mean, I'm going to be away for a while - more than just a while, actually. "

She smiled up at him and nodded. "I'm willing to go through anything for you - I just wish I could go with you."

"Me too." Freddie kissed her forehead then and just held her in silence for a while. "At least it won't be for a couple more months. We have a little more time and I promise I won't waste any more of it."

"No more secrets - promise?"

"No more secrets," he vowed. Freddie glanced at the clock on the wall. "I want to talk to you more, but we have to get going. Carly's waiting."

"I suppose we have to." Thinking about that, Sam grimaced. "She's never going to let me forget about this morning, is she?"

"You can be pretty sure of that," agreed Freddie. "Go ahead and tell Carly and I'll see you over there in a bit. I still have to get ready." He gave her another quick kiss on the cheek and reluctantly let her hand go. "I love you."

"I love you too." She replied. At the door she stopped and looked back at him. She seemed to make a decision and nodded almost imperceptibly before she stepped out.

When the door closed behind her, Freddie chuckled softly again and walked upstairs. He went into his bathroom to brush his teeth to get the awful taste of bile out of his mouth. In his bathroom mirror, he saw the bruise that was forming on his stomach. That girl could throw a punch. He poked at it and wondered how he was going to explain that to his mom when she sees it. In a way, he felt he deserved it. At least now he knew never to keep secrets from Sam. It was not a healthy decision. He smiled stupidly at his reflection. This new day was definitely full of surprises and it had just barely started. He imagined life with Sam would be one bombshell after another. After he finished in the bathroom, he sat on his bed to pull on his socks and shoes, grunting in pain the whole time. He walked over to get a shirt from the closet when he heard someone coming up the stairs. "Sam?" he asked over his shoulder.

"Yep, It's just me," Sam answered. He saw her reflection in his full length mirror as she bounded through the door.

"Just a second," Freddie grabbed a shirt from the closet and started to pull it on. He just about got it over his head when he heard his bedroom door shut followed by the click of the lock. He stood frozen at the implications of that sound. Freddie, with his shirt still only halfway down his chest, looked at Sam in the mirror. "What's going on?" he asked slowly with increasing apprehension.

"Oh - nothing. I just told Carly to go ahead without us," she tossed back with a mysterious smile. "It's no use for all three of us to be late."

He looked away from her reflection and felt his mouth go dry. "You and me? We're going to be late?" he managed to ask. Feeling suddenly exposed, he pulled his shirt down the rest of the way.

"Yes," she said. "Yes we are. Very late - actually."

He turned slowly to face her. Sam unzipped her favorite striped hoodie and threw it onto his bed. Freddie realized she was wearing the same outfit she had on the last time she was here. It was suddenly way too hot in the room. Sam stood with her hands on her hips and her head cocked to one side as if waiting for something.

His heart was about to jump out of his chest. "Why, exactly?" he asked lamely.

She started to walk towards him. Unconsciously, he stepped back from her advance until the back of his leg touched the bed. "You said you had things you wanted to tell me, Freddie Benson. I just wanted to give you the chance." Her eyelashes smoldered dangerously.

Like a trapped animal, he began to panic. "So," he heard his voice crack. "We'll just talk – then. Here. Together. Alone. In my room."

She slid her arms around his neck and laced her fingers behind his head."I'm sure we'll think of other things to do. Here. Together. Alone. In your room." Somehow those same words sounded very different the way Sam said it. "I was just thinking about what you said earlier about not wasting any more time. I thought it was a very good idea. And besides," she leaned in close, "I have lots of stuff to make up to you for."

Feeling her breath on his lips was intoxicating. His knees were starting to buckle. A bunch of different scenarios ran through his head, a lot of them ended in some sort of embarrassing predicament. "Um, what if…" he began to say.

"Freddie?" Sam asked archly.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

* * *

_Thanks for reading. I'm not quite done yet so stay tuned. It won't take this long again._


	9. The Worst Days

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

* * *

If there was one question Freddie didn't like answering, it was, "What does it feel like to have cancer?" It wasn't because it was a stupid question, not even because it offended him in any way. It was because it was such a difficult question to answer. It's not like asking someone how a broken leg feels, or even what you feel when you have a heart attack. Cancer is not an event, it's something you endure. The experience changes you at an intrinsic level of your being. There were days when he felt like any normal teenager, full of the same thoughts, dreams and passion. Some days, he could feel his illness more acutely. There was a deep weariness that no amount of rest could remove. A few days, he couldn't fall asleep because he feared not waking up gain. Then there were the days he was so full of pain, he wished it was all over. But those weren't the worst days – the worst were the days he didn't care.

"_So I'm Carly"._

"_And I'm Sam." _

"_Thank you for all being such fantastic fans of our show." _

"_But we are awesome so we deserve all of it."_

"_There is one more important thing before we go. Take it away Freddie."_

_Freddie spun the camera around. _

"_Hello out there. Last time I told you all about what's going on with me. Well, the time has come for me to go. I'm going to be leaving rainy old Washington State and head for Maryland and start my treatment. You guys have been awesome with your support. So thank you for all your well wishes. I even had to upgrade our mail server to handle all of it. It will really help me out through this whole thing. Thanks again, I love you, guys. I don't know exactly how long I'll be gone, but I'll be in touch. I'll be lurking around the iCarly site so I'll reach out from time to time. I made Carly and Sam promise to keep the show going without me and asked some friends to help. It'll still be on, but just maybe not as regularly. When I come back though, I'll be stronger than ever so don't get too used to the new guy. So I guess this is goodbye for now. See you later!"_

_He turned the camera back on Carly and Sam. Both of them were crying._

"_C'mon you guys, you promised wouldn't do this," he admonished._

"_We're sorry but we can't help it!" Carly bawled and both of them ran towards the camera. The picture tilted upwards and shook as the two girls embraced him. With the girls' sobbing in the background, Freddie's voice came from off screen and said. "I guess that's it. See you next time everybody," then the screen went black._

Freddie Benson left Seattle almost eight months ago. The life he'd lived since was so different; he might as well have been another person. He once envied that other guy – the Freddie before cancer – a younger, happy-go-lucky version of himself who grew up in an insulated environment, who was ignorant of the suffering that went on every day around him. He just surrounded himself with friends and spent his time on trivial things. That Freddie led himself to believe that love could conquer anything. He came all the way across the country full of hope. Now, he just didn't care much about the person he used to be.

He hadn't really been asleep, but he seemed to drift in an out of consciousness. Freddie sometimes found it difficult to tell the difference between what was real and what was a medication induced delirium. He forced his eyes open; it was difficult to do. At first he just stared at the ceiling, squinting from the pale fluorescent light. The patterns on the panels above him formed twisted, leering faces that swam in and out of focus as he adjusted his vision. His neck was sore from the awkward angle he fell asleep in. Slowly, he rolled his head around to work out the kinks before he looked at his surroundings.

He was in a small room where the stark walls were painted a shade of beige that somehow managed to dull all the other colors in the room. To his right there was a window that would normally look out at the central courtyard. Right now the thick curtains were closed to keep out some of the late autumn chill. The only bright colors in the room came from the posters of different parts of the human anatomy. He found it a little morbid how doctors wanted you to see the images of the diseased cells inside your body to remind you why you were here. The leather arm chair he sat in was quite comfortable, although nothing you sat in for five hours would remain so. The air in the room was very dry. There was also the acrid smell of sanitizer that mingled with the filtered hospital air. It permeated everything in the tiny room, giving it a sense of being overly sterilized.

He struggled to shift his weight in the too-soft armchair. It still surprised him how much effort it took to do the simplest things now. Just that small amount of exertion left him winded. Freddie felt a slight tug on his left side and stopped moving around. Cautiously, he lifted his left arm to keep his PICC line from snagging. The PICC was a small tube semi-permanently inserted in a vein inside his upper arm, almost in his left armpit. Tape and gauze held it in place and more plastic tubing ran down his arm. It gave his doctors an easy way to quickly administer drugs directly into his blood stream. Right now, the line was hooked up to more tubing that ran up to an I.V. bag. It was filled with a clear liquid that tediously dripped what, essentially, was a poisonous chemical directly into his heart. He resisted the all too familiar urge to rip the whole damned thing out of his body.

This was his seventh round of chemotherapy and boy, it was getting old.

That was another question Freddie was asked a lot, "What does the chemo treatment feel like?" That one was easy – nothing. He was very uneasy the first time they hooked him up to it. He imagined when they started the drip that he would feel the chemical burning through his veins as it spread through his entire body. In reality, there was nothing to feel except the first prick of the needle. Oddly, it was something of a letdown.

Sam was here for the first one. So were Spencer and Carly. Everyone said you should have the support of your loved ones to help you through the ordeal, so they came across the country for him. There were only two other people allowed in the room with him at a time so they took turns, except for Sam. She held his hand for all nine hours of treatment.

"_You don't need to do that the whole time, you know," he remembered telling her._

_She answered, "I know I don't need to," and smiled. "I want to." _

Freddie lifted the hand she'd held in front of his face to examine it. Now it was frighteningly thin and bony. The skin on the back was marked with bruises and excess skin hung from his wrist like he was wearing a suit that was too big for him. His fingernails had become rough on the surface and changed to a sickly grey color with what looked like black mold on the edges. He couldn't imagine anyone wanting to hold his hand now. He swiped at the empty air as if to dismiss the memory.

He wondered where his mom had gone. The chair by his bed was empty and her purse and jacket weren't around. Perhaps she went to get something to eat. Freddie looked up at the I.V. bag to gauge how long he had left for treatment. It was nearly three quarters gone so he had a couple more hours to go. He considered pushing the call button for the nurse but he decided to get up on his own. Freddie needed to use the bathroom. Agonizingly he pushed his palms against the arms of the recliner and levered himself up to stand. His joints ached against the pressure but he made it. He had to catch his breath from the exertion. This was the most common side effect of chemotherapy; it robbed you of all of your energy.

"_We have to make you sicker before we can make you better,"_ was the usual mantra around here. Freddie heard it pass from nurses' lips often enough. The folksy, ironic wisdom may have worked when he first came here, but after you realize the price you have to pay – it's just annoying. Freddie was beginning to wonder if they said it for the patients' sake or to soothe their own conscience.

After his first treatment, he was staggered at the bone-deep exhaustion he felt. They told him he slept for eighteen hours straight the day after, yet he didn't feel rested. It was like someone reached into him and twisted his soul into knots. His sleep had been haunted by vivid dreams that he could no longer recall. The only clear image he had was when he first woke up and was Sam wiping the sweat from his brow.

"_Sam?" was all he could manage._

"_Good morning, babe," was all she had to say and everything was fine._

Stubbornly, Freddie ignored the tug of sentiment and grabbed his I.V. pole for support. He shuffled with it across the floor to the cramped restroom. He was glad at least that his room had one. He dreaded going into bathrooms now, because there was always a mirror. He avoided looking in it as he used the toilet. His legs didn't have the strength to stand and pee like a man should and so sat down. He normally would have been mortified, but it took too much effort to care. When he got up to wash his hands, he saw his reflection. A stranger looked back at him. Freddie thought he would get used to his appearance, but he never did. The Ridgeway High school t-shirt he wore hung loosely across his emaciated frame. The flesh on his waist barely kept his sweatpants on. The drawstring on his sweats where drawn as tight as possible to keep it from falling. Freddie's face was drawn and his skin was pale. His eyes were sunken and even the color seemed to have been leeched from them.

Absently, he drew his palm across his bare scalp. It was still an odd sensation. That was one thing he thought he was prepared for but you never really knew how you were going to react until it happened. The drugs in chemotherapy attack the fastest growing cells in the patient's body; hence the hair and nails are the most effected. They told him that effect was temporary. Lately though, he found it hard to believe anything they say. Freddie's hair started to fall out around the second round of chemo. One morning he found large clumps of hair on his pillow and felt a slight panic. Like most people in that predicament, he eventually decided he would just shave it all off. Sam was back in Washington when it happened, but they'd been in touch pretty much every day. He recalled a phone conversation he had with Sam about it.

"_I'll just get it all buzzed off," he said._

"_Make sure you take pictures," she teased._

"_Ha-Ha."_

"_Maybe I'll do it too," declared Sam._

"_Don't do it."_

"_I've read that a lot of people do it to show their support."_

"_And I'm telling you not to do it," he repeated._

"_Why not?"_

"_Because it's stupid."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_It doesn't accomplish anything. All it manages to do is to make you look dumb and make you suffer when you don't need to," he argued. "When I look at you I don't want to see a reflection of what I'm going through. That is something I don't want to have taken from me. I want you to look like you always do – beautiful."_

"_Aren't you the smooth talker?"_

"_I'm serious about this," warned Freddie._

"_How about we make a deal then?"_

"_What?"_

"_I promise not to cut off my hair if…" Sam began._

"_Well?"_

"_If you promise me that you'll get better."_

"_That's cute but you know I can't guarantee that," Freddie replied._

"_Hmm… Then how about, you'll try your very best?"_

"_To get better?"_

"_Yep!" chirped Sam._

"_Deal."_

"_Oh and you have to be back in time to take me to the winter formal next year," added Sam._

"_You can't change the terms of the deal afterwards," complained Freddie._

"_Yes I can," she contradicted._

"_Since when do you like going to those types of things, anyway"_

"_Ever since I thought about you taking me."_

"_Oho? So who's sweet talking now?"_

Freddie snapped himself out of his reverie. His mind seemed hell bent on digging up these painful memories. His subconscious must be some sort of closet masochist. He stared back at the stranger with the empty eyes. None of it mattered now anyway, he silently acknowledged.

There was a penetrating chill when Freddie walked back into the chemotherapy suite. He knew a lot of that came from inside him though. The chemicals that have been pumped into his system were kept slightly cold so it had the tendency to lower his core temperature. On top of that, it didn't help that it was raining. Freddie could hear the patter of the raindrops against the window pane behind the closed curtain. It was kind of soothing, really. Freddie walked over to the window and pulled the curtains back to look outside. He never thought he would miss the rain. It rained nearly seventy percent of the year in Seattle. He stood there for a few moments; the gloom outside complimented how he felt inside. His legs, however, were starting to give out so he worked his way back to the chair. Freddie closed his eyes as he leaned back. It was also raining on the last day Sam was here.

_His friends were here immediately after his fourth round of chemo. It was during summer break so they were able to stay a while. The treatment wore him out as usual but his body was tolerating it better. Maybe it was because they were there as a welcome distraction. They spent a lot of time together outside on his good days, goofing around on wheelchairs, sometimes just lazily laying down on in the courtyard lawn. On his bad days, they would just sit together in his room and talk. Sam and Carly told him about the goings on in the Ridgeway High social circles. He was amazed to find out that Sam Puckett, terror of the hallways and bane of school teachers was shaping up to be a good student. For the first time ever, A's and B's outnumbered the other letters on her report card. Even more, she organized a blood drive at the school with the help of the iCarly community. After summer break they also had plans to organize a cancer awareness march with Sam leading the way. She made Carly promise not to tell him until they were with him in person. Sam beamed with pride as Freddie gaped in amazement. The time was a kind of recharging experience for his spirit. He was ready to face what was coming next. When they left, there was a rainstorm that seemed to bring an appropriate close to their time together. _

Freddie blinked away the visions. It was futile to fight off his memories, it would seem, seeing that his conscience was determined to wallow in misery. He decided to close his eyes again and let it go. He no longer had the energy to care.

_Shortly after they left, Freddie and his mom had a meeting with the doctor_.

_Dr. Canchal Liao was the oncologist that headed the clinical trial at the cancer treatment center. She was a small statured Asian woman with a youthful face. She didn't have the permanent seriousness that seemed to be chiseled onto the faces of other doctors in her field. Freddie liked her because she treated him like an intelligent adult. She took her time to explain why certain things were being done and didn't over inflate his expectations of the treatment._

_"The treatment is working," she began. "The tests are showing improvement, however, not at the rate we'd like to see at this point. I asked you to come so we can talk about some options."_

_"What are the options?" Freddie asked._

_"We'd like to be more aggressive with the chemotherapy. Your system has been tolerant of the treatment and we'd like to take advantage of that. With your permission, I'd like to change the scheduled treatment cycles."_

_"What will be different?" his mom asked apprehensively._

_"Well, the cycles will be closer together; the treatments themselves will be shorter but more frequent. That will leave shorter time for your body to recover, but at the same time we'll be able to attack the cancer while it is weaker. I'd like to completely avoid the possibility of a BMT and this can help us do that."_

A BMT was a bone marrow transplant. They had explained that possibility to him when it all started. It was a sort of last ditch attempt to get rid of the cancer but it was very dangerous. A portion of his own bone marrow had been harvested already and was stored for later use. Although it was painful, that wasn't the dangerous part. To completely remove the cancer cells in the patient's body, a lethal dose of chemo would be introduced to his system. The process also destroys all the healthy bone marrow which would kill the person unless they are able to replace it. Freddie guessed he should consider himself lucky that they could still use his own bone marrow for the transplant. It could be very difficult to find a match. If the transplant was rejected, the patient would die. He and his mom discussed the options further with the doctor and gave the go ahead for the changes. They agreed that they would start with the fifth round of therapy.

Freddie vastly underestimated the effect the changes to his treatment would make. That was when the drastic weight loss began. The exhaustion was so constant he had trouble breathing. His voice was always dry and raspy. The treatment made him bruise easily now so every little knock would leave marks on his skin. Freddie no longer had an appetite – he could no longer taste anything. He was reduced to thick, milky nutrition drinks for sustenance. Freddie didn't complain about it because he could bring himself to care. That was perhaps the highest cost of this new treatment. The physical strains were painful enough, but the effect on his mental state was profound.

Everything he saw was filtered through some sort of grey film. Life lost its luster for Freddie. He would find himself staring at people doing the things they do and he would wonder why they bothered. At first he was able to shake it off and kept the feeling at bay. He dismissed it as an annoying side effect and didn't mention it to anyone. But after the second round of the new regimen, it started to smother him. His mom noticed first and started to ask him about it. She worried at his listless response and alerted the doctors. They told her that depression was a common side effect and referred Freddie to see the in-house psychiatrist. The sessions with the head doctor helped Freddie focus for a time but the brutality of the medication would hammer him back down. Eventually he was prescribed anti-depressants to help him cope. That also helped for a while but there were still times when his mood would swing to the extremes. Sam and his friends also tried to help by keeping in constant contact but there was only so much they could do from three thousand miles away.

A breaking point came just two days ago.

_During their stay, Freddie and his mom were provided a private bungalow for their lodgings. It was on land owned by the hospital and was specifically for participants of the clinical trials. There were numerous others, each built with the needs of the patients in mind. After another meeting with Dr. Liao, Freddie sat in front of his laptop, waiting to talk to Sam on his webcam. Freddie was sitting alone with the lights off. The only light came from the computer's screen which was enough to let Freddie scan his room._

_Except it wasn't his room. His room was all the way in Bushwell Plaza in Seattle. It might as well have been on the other side of the moon for all that it mattered. Marissa Benson tried to make the room as comfortable and homey as she could. There were always fresh flowers somewhere. She placed framed pictures of all his friends on the table tops and dressers. She encouraged him to pin up all of the get well cards and gifts on the walls. A small armchair in the corner was the designated resting place of all the small stuffed animals he'd received. However, all of that failed to mask the fact that this was not his room. _

_As he looked around, the walls were bare and the armchair was empty. All of the items were in a small pile in the far corner of the room. All the picture frames were face down where they were. The flowers, vase and all stuck out of a wastebasket near the door. Freddie was sitting up with his hospital bed inclined and the notebook computer lay on his lap. The screen was angled up towards his face so he sickly colored light sank his features even deeper into his gaunt face. A ding alerted him that Sam had joined the chat room._

_The screen darkened slightly as Sam's image came on. Freddie could tell she had already been crying. The text he'd sent her a few minutes ago was obviously the cause._

"_Freddie? What's going on?" she was shaken and fearful._

"_It's over Sam," he said simply._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Us. You and me. We are over." Freddie explained calmly. "It's just how it has to be. We should've realized it from the start. This was never going to go anywhere."_

"_How can you say that?" she asked in a broken voice. _

"_This was always a long shot, Sam."_

"_No it wasn't!" she replied quickly. "Don't say that! Why are you doing this?"_

"_Look at me," he said with no intensity at all. Freddie held up his shrunken hands to the screen. "I'm wasting away here. This stuff is taking everything away from me."_

"_No. No it hasn't," denied Sam. "Not as long as I'm with you." With an intensity she hoped would reach him she added, "I love you. I love you so much."_

"_Sam, there is nothing left inside me for you." He shook his head with regret. "You deserve so much more. I didn't think I was worthy of you before and now I'm so much less than that."_

"_Stop saying things like that. That stuff doesn't matter to me."_

"_Then look at yourself. You are healthy and beautiful. You can have anyone you want. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who can make you happier than I ever could have. All I've ever given you is pain. Don't waste anymore time on me."_

"_Don't you dare!" she declared passionately. "Don't you dare tell me who I should or shouldn't be with. I want to be with you."_

"_You know I'm right Sam," said Freddie without a hint of emotion._

"_Who the hell do you think you are?" Predictably, Sam snapped. "You stupid jerk! You can't make the decisions for me."_

"_I know," agreed Freddie in his calmest tone._

"_Dammit! Stop sounding so reasonable! Fight me you asshole!"_

"_What would be the point?" he asked still unruffled. "I'm not here to change your mind. I'm here to tell you it's over."_

"_FUCK YOU!" screamed Sam. "You condescending son-of-a-bitch! Don't you care about me? Did you ever love me?"_

"_I did Sam. I truly did. But that was a different time. I was a different person."_

"_You said you would be with me forever. You promised!" she accused._

"_Everything dies," was his vague reply. _

"_You bastard." The fiery tone in her voice started to wane. _

"_It's okay if you hate me for a while."_

"_Stop it." She started to sob._

"_Someday, I hope you can think kindly of me."_

"_Stop," she repeated weakly. _

"_It was great to know someone like you cared for me at one time."_

"_Please." The anguish in her voice was severe. "Please stop."_

"_Thank you for everything, Sam. Tell everyb…"_

"_I'm coming," she abruptly interrupted – her resolve suddenly returning. "I'm coming over there. I want you to say all of this to my face. I won't believe it until I hear it from you."_

"_You __**are**__ hearing it from me. Just accept this," he asked. "You don't need to be here."_

"_I WANT TO BE THERE!" Sam grabbed the screen and yelled._

"_**I **__don't want you here," emphasized Freddie. "Don't come, Sam. If you meant it when you said you loved me – don't come." Even in the low quality of the webcam image, Freddie watched hope wink out in her eyes. Satisfied that he'd done what he needed to, he finally said, "Goodbye, Sam."_

"_Freddie, I lo…"_

_He gently shut the screen and cut her off. He couldn't remember how long he sat in the dark room afterwards. Freddie idly wondered if that was easier or harder than he expected. Was it strange that he couldn't bring himself to tears after what he had just done? In the end, it didn't really matter. He leaned back and closed his eyes._

When he opened them again he was back in the chemotherapy room. An incessant, soft beeping filled his ears. He looked up at the I.V. bag and saw it was empty. He sighed and, to no one in particular, he whispered, "One more down and worse to come."

* * *

_Thanks again for reading. This chapter was both hard and easy to write. I didn't really have an idea when I started but it flowed quickly afterwards. I've also never had a chapter tell me when to stop before. It was an odd feeling. I just typed the last sentence and I knew it had to finish there. I hope you don't dislike the darkness of this chapter. I normally don't like asking, but if you have a moment, let me know what you think. Until next time..._


	10. We are Broken

_Hello again. You may have noticed a couple of things. First I changed the title a bit. I just added the "i" to the beginning. Since the beginning I thought about doing it and I think it works a bit better. Also I changed the summary. What this story has become was different from what I originally thought so I thought it was appropriate. Anyhow. please enjoy._

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

* * *

The nurse just finished unhooking the empty I.V. bag from Freddie's PICC line. Her name was Rosario, a stout, cheerful Filipino woman. Freddie had gotten to know her very well during his stay. Rosie, as she preferred to be called, was definitely the mother-hen type. She watched over her charges carefully and was very attentive of their needs. "How are you feeling?" she asked with a thick accent as she started putting the equipment away. Her voice always carried a sincerity that made you drop your defenses and listen to everything she said.

"I'm a little cold," he admitted.

"Have you been cold this whole time?" She placed her palm on his forehead while he nodded. Immediately she reached into one of the cabinets and pulled out a blanket. "You should have said something earlier," she reprimanded him gently as she peered at him over the rim of her glasses.

"Thanks Rosie," said Freddie after she draped the blanket across him.

"You young people sometimes, I swear," she shook her head and made a clicking sound with her mouth. "You always act bravely and suffer though it." She started to look through the equipment drawers and kept talking to him over her shoulder. "You are not alone, you know? You should always reach out and ask for help when you need it." After she got what instruments she needed, Rosie asked, "How are Sam and Carly? It has been a while since I have seen them." Rosie hit it off with the girls the first time they visited. They became as thick as thieves and when they were all together, they had fun taking turns brow-beating Freddie - always in good fun.

Fun really wasn't in the forefront of his thoughts right now. "They're back home in Seattle. They're too busy with school right now. We haven't had time to talk lately," Freddie lied.

"Oh nonsense," she scoffed. "Those two would always make time for you. Sam made me promise I would keep an eye on you, in fact," Rosie teased. "She is a beautiful girl. You make sure you hold on to her."

Freddie didn't really want to dwell on the subject too long. "Rosie, have you seen my mom around?"

"Hmm," she pondered. "I think I saw her leave the hospital, but that was a while ago. I have not seen her since. Did you want me to have her paged?"

"No that's fine. I think I could rest a bit more anyway," he said, glad he was able to distract her. "If it's ok, I'd like to just sit here close my eyes for a while."

"Sure – sure," take all the time you need. "I will go ahead and take your vitals and let you relax a bit."

"Thanks. Could you shut off some of the lights when you leave?"

"No problem."

The rest of the time passed in silence while Rosie worked on him. She took his pulse and blood pressure to make sure it was stable. Then she asked him to breathe into a plastic tube to test his respiratory system. When she was satisfied that all was well, she shut off the main lights and left Freddie alone in the dimly lit room.

He was glad to be alone again. It wasn't that he didn't like Rosie or anyone else for that matter, but polite conversation required at least the pretense of interest. There was just not much that Freddie was interested in talking about anymore. It was difficult to keep up the charade. That was one of the reasons Freddie requested this private room. There was actually a different area for chemo treatment that was more open and bright. The chairs were arranged around the room so all the patients and visitors could converse during the long hours of treatment. During the first sessions, he didn't mind it at all, but now knew he wouldn't have been able to endure it.

He also didn't want Rosie to remind him about his friends anymore. After he talked to Sam that night, he avoided any contact from them. Freddie unplugged himself from everything. He drained the power from his cell phone and his laptop. The phone in their bungalow was left off the hook whenever his mom wasn't looking. Whenever a call did make it through, he told his mom he couldn't take it because he wasn't feeling well. It didn't take much convincing - his mom wouldn't really push him on anything lately. He'd said what he needed to say. It was over.

Lost as he was in his thoughts, he didn't hear his mom come into the room. "Hello, dear." Freddie glanced up at his mom as she was taking off her coat. She had obviously come in from outside since her coat was dotted with raindrops. "Oh look at this," she complained gesturing at the puddles by her feet. She went into the restroom and came back with some paper towels. "I'm sorry I wasn't here, but I figured you would sleep through most of it. How did it go?" she asked as she wiped up the water.

"Like normal, I guess," he answered absently. "Where have you been?"

There was a slight pause and she didn't meet his eyes when she answered, "I had to take care of some things. Do you need anything?" She looked at where he sat. "It's awfully dark in here. Let me turn them on."

"The lights are fine."

"Are you cold? Let me get you another blanket."

"No. I'm ok Mom," he shrugged off the blanket to prove it to her. He could tell by the way she was acting that she was keeping something from him. "What's going on?" Freddie pressed.

She ignored his question. "Did you want something to eat, maybe? I can get a fruit cup from the cafeteria if you like."

"Mom."

"Maybe you're thirsty?" She grabbed the pink plastic pitcher from the side table. "I can ask Rosie to refill this for us. Do you need ice?"

"Mom!" Freddie raised his voice slightly to get her attention. "What aren't you telling me?"

Marissa Benson sighed. "I went to the airport to pick up somebody," she confessed after a while. "Sam's here."

Freddie didn't say anything. He had already guessed as much from her behavior. It apparently wasn't quite as over as he thought. He stared blankly at him mom and waited for her explanation.

"She called me yesterday and told me what happened. Sam was very upset and asked me if she could come see you. I said yes," she admitted. "I don't think she's stopped crying since you talked to her. What happened?"

"I broke up with her," he said indifferently. "That's all."

Marissa shook her head, "She told me what you said. You didn't just break up with her. You hurt her – on purpose. That's not like you, Freddie. I couldn't believe it when she told me."

Freddie's response was an exasperated sigh.

"Sam didn't deserve that," his mom said with a hint of uncharacteristic steel. "She's always been there for you. She helped get you through some really tough times this year. She's helped us both. It's not right. You shouldn't be doing this to her."

_I'm doing this __**for**__ her, don't you see?_ _She's better off this way_. He wanted to say it but he knew it would be useless. She would just refuse to understand_._ Instead he remained silent and emotionless.

She brought one of the hospital stools near him and sat down. She took his hand and said, "I know why you are doing this. You think you are doing her a favor, but you're not." She squeezed his hand. "You are going through so much right now. I see it everyday. I see how you are trying to hold yourself together. It hurts me to see you like this. I only want to help you. Sam wants to help you. We both love you very much." She looked down at their clasped hands for a moment and without looking up she added, "After what the doctor told us the other day, you need to have people around who can help you get through this. "

Freddie watched her face as she spoke. Marissa Benson had aged quite a bit since this whole thing started. The worry lines across her forehead were deeper and her dark hair was now streaked with lots of grey. She'd also lost a lot of weight while she went through this ordeal with him. He would spare her the pain like he's tried to spare Sam and his friends, but she was his mother. She could never give up on him no matter what happened and he could never break the bond between them no matter what he did. She had no choice.

But Sam had a choice, and he wouldn't let her make the wrong one.

"Freddie? Are you listening to me?"

He ignored her question and instead asked, "Did you tell her?"

"Yes," his mom answered softly. "She deserves to know."

_Nothing is ever easy_, he thought.

In the afternoon two days ago, they had a meeting with Dr. Liao. She told them that despite all the efforts they made, there were no improvements in his condition. They were concerned that his lymphoma could move to Stage III, and now that his body was weakened he wouldn't be able to continue treatment. She told them that if there was not a significant change with the next round of chemo, Freddie and his mom should consider a bone marrow transplant as the next option. She went on to explain the procedure to them again and explained the odds, but Freddie only half listened. He was well aware of the risks. He could only remember the doctor say she was "cautiously optimistic" about his chances at the end. What the hell did that even mean?

After leaving the meeting, there was a crushing sense of failure - like some unseen fist clenched around his heart, squeezing out every last ounce of hope. It was an almost physical pain, amplified even more as he thought about his friends. Every promise he'd made to them was now a lie. How could he possibly tell Sam? The more he thought about it, the more pointless everything seemed. Freddie felt something die inside him. There was a dim haze on the edge of his vision that, at first, he thought were tears. But it couldn't be - because he didn't feel sad, he didn't feel afraid. He didn't feel anything at all. The sensation was not altogether unpleasant. Up until this moment he allowed himself to hope, but now he knew hope was just another lie. Purposefully he bricked up the feelings inside him behind a wall and hardened his heart. He began to wonder why he should even bother with the transplant at all. It all seemed like a futile gesture. He thought perhaps he should say something, but something inside told him it wasn't worth the effort. _Let them do what they want_, he didn't care anymore. The pain faded away until it was just a dull throb.

He brought himself back to the present and heard his mom ask, "Will you let her talk to you? I mean, she's come all this way."

"I don't really have anything else to say," he told her dispassionately.

"Then let her come and say what she has to say. I think you need to hear it." Her eyes brimmed with tears. "I've done all I can to try to reach you, but you can't seem to hear me. You're so distant and cold lately. It frightens me that I'm losing you - that you've lost yourself somehow." She reached up to her face and wiped away a stray tear. "You need someone who can remind you what's important and I can't do that for you anymore. So please, let her come see you."

Freddie might have refused if he thought it would do any good. "Alright," he relented. "I'll see her." He supposed he owed his mom at least that much.

She embraced him quickly and whispered, "Thank you." She stood up and placed her palm on his cheek. "Promise me you will listen to what she says."

Freddie didn't say anything. Lately, the promises he'd made have come to bite him back. After all, like hope, dreams and prayers, they were just lies to spare someone's feelings. Instead he just shrugged noncommittally. Satisfied with that at least, his mom left the room to get Sam.

Freddie knew he was a lost cause, why couldn't Sam understand that. Even if the procedure worked – if he managed to live through it – what kind of life would that be? After a successful transplant, his recovery would take up to two months in the hospital. In the following months he had a fifty-fifty chance of complications, any of which could make the whole effort useless. Forever after that he would still have a chance of recurrence and all this would begin again. He wouldn't need a girlfriend – he would need a nurse. How could he possibly consider doing that to Sam? The thought of Sam wasting her life taking care of a near invalid toughened his resolved. He decided would be standing up when Sam walked in. She needed to see his wasted body. She had to understand that it was hopeless. Freddie grabbed the armrests to push himself up. He could already feel the toxic chemicals in his body working against him, sapping his strength. His joints cracked and popped as he strained his muscles. He gasped for air at every push. Tears welled up in the corners of his eyes from the effort and when he finally placed his feet on the floor, he knew he was only halfway there. As he got up, he stumbled forward and caught himself on the side table.

At the same moment he heard a sharp intake of breath. His eyes snapped up to where Sam stood at the doorway. One arm was reaching out as she was rushing up to help him.

"Don't," he commanded sharply. She froze in mid-step. He knew if she touched him, his resolve would weaken. Resisting the temptation of allowing her to come to him was as exhausting an effort as it was to stand. After a few moments to catch his breath Freddie was finally able to brace himself and look once more at Sam. Seeing her there was more difficult than he imagined.

Sam stood about ten feet away from where he was. She was like a dark statue silhouetted by the brighter light from the hallway. Despite the heavy rain, she was still wearing the same ratty old hoodie with the grey and red stripes. He could tell she was soaked all the way through from the small puddles that were forming by her feet. She had the hood drawn over her head so it was difficult to see her features but he could imagine she was in shock at seeing him this weak. "Are you okay?" asked Sam worriedly. He could have laughed at the ridiculousness of that question if it wasn't for the circumstances.

"No. I'm really not," Freddie answered sardonically.

"I… I didn't mean…"

Freddie cut her off abruptly. "Why are you here?" Without waiting for an answer he added, "I asked you not to come." He watched her flinch slightly from his harsh rebuke.

Sam reached her left arm across her chest to the opposite shoulder, as if to ward against the chill - whether from his icy demeanor or the condition of her clothing, Freddie couldn't tell. "I came to see you. I wanted to talk to you again." She was mustering her nerve to speak. "After the other day, I kept trying to call you back but you wouldn't answer. I didn't know what to do. So finally, I called your mom and she told me what happened." She acted as if she was about to reach out to him again but stopped herself. "I'm so sorry Freddie. I wish I was here for you."

Sam's voice ached with a helplessness that he could have never imagined just a year before. The hidden part of Freddie longed to reach out and comfort her. The words he would have liked to say just echoed in his mind. _I wanted to see you so badly that day – to see the one good thing in my life._ But instead he asked, "Why? There was nothing you could have done. It doesn't matter."

"It does matter," she denied quickly. "It matters to everyone. It matters to your mom. It matters to Spencer and Carly." Softly she added, "It matters to me."

The meek demeanor was so unlike Sam. It tore at his heart to see her like this – all because of him. _I care so deeply for you, Sam. I would forfeit every ounce of happiness I will ever feel to have you smile again. But I just seem to make you cry. _"I'm sorry you feel that way. You shouldn't waste any more of your time worrying about me."

"Stop it!" she sobbed. "Stop acting like this! Stop pushing me away!" He stood silently watching her pull herself together. "I know what you are trying to do," continued Sam after a moment. "I understand how you must feel, but you don't have to do this! I…I want to be with you. We can make it through this together," Sam declared and was about to walk towards him. Freddie knew he had to prevent her from taking that first step.

"No. We won't, Sam," he said harshly.

Freddie's reaction brought her up short and Sam cried, "We will!" She sounded deeply hurt by his denial. "We have to."

He took a deep breath before he repeated, "No, WE won't. There is no WE anymore. There's only me. I have to go through this. Alone." He ground his teeth together as he spoke those hateful words. He knew that just like how the doctors wanted to kill everything inside him to destroy the cancer, he had to crush all the hope in Sam's heart. It was killing him to do it as surely as the cancer was.

The look on her face was pure disbelief. "You can't mean that."

_Please forgive me someday for what I'm about to do. _With a callous voice Freddie said,"Sam, it's over – go home. I don't want you here. I don't want to see you again. "

Sam stood frozen as the words left his mouth. The impact of those words seemed to take an eternity to reach her. Then she crumpled as if hit by a truck. She doubled over in anguish and deep heart-breaking sobs shook her small frame. She covered her face with her hands in a futile attempt to contain them. Throughout it all, Freddie was forced to maintain his appearance of calm indifference. Inside him though, his wounded soul was writhing in absolute agony.

They stood there for a long time like that. People that walked by in the hall outside would often glance into the room curiously then quickly avert their eyes from the private scene.

Eventually, Sam's crying subsided and she stood with her arms wrapped around her body. She kept her gaze downcast and began to speak in a small voice. "Do you remember when we first said we loved each other? That time it was you who was standing soaking wet." She paused to remember that night almost a year ago. "I had never been in love before. Did you know that? I mean really in love." A small self-mocking sound escaped from her. "Listen to me, I sound like a bad romance novel," she said to no one in particular. "But something happened that night that took me a long time to understand. I couldn't think of myself anymore. All my plans, my dreams, my whole life meant nothing anymore – not unless you were with me. It scared me a little, to give up so much of myself to someone else." She stood up a little straighter as she continued. "I hear other people say I love you all the time to each other, but it was garbage. I heard my parents say it to each other when I was little but that was a lie too. I mean, how can you say it and then treat each other like they did? I didn't think that kind of love was real." Her voice was still soft and hurt but there was an undercurrent of strength as well. "That night, with you, I found the only exception. I felt it. It is real. It has to be, otherwise this wouldn't hurt like it does."

Sam moved closer to Freddie and he didn't try to stop her. Separated by only an arm's length he could finally make out her features under the shadows of her hood. Although she had stopped sobbing, tears were still flowing down her face following the line of her jaw to the tip of her chin. It looked like she had been crying for days. He imagined it was that and not the rain that soaked her clothes and formed the puddles by her feet.

"I'm scared. I'm so scared of losing you. It was you who showed me that I could be an important part of someone else's life - that I matter. I know you love me too. I came here to tell you I understand. I know you are scared too." She reached for his face but he caught her wrist gently in the space between them. She didn't flinch and she didn't turn away. "You don't have to go through this alone. Please let me be here for you."

It was a mistake to touch her. It was like reaching into a cauldron of molten metal. A feeling of intense need surged through his body. Inside him a voice was screaming and the words reverberated inside his skull. _Do you understand what you are doing to me? Just by being here? Seeing you, hearing your voice, being so close I can just reach out and hold you – all of that hurts me! _Outside, he tried to hold himself together. "Why won't you listen?" he said through clenched teeth. _You are everything I want._ "You can't possibly understand what I'm going through."_ There is nothing in this world I want more than you! I wish more than anything I can tell you that. _"This is not about you Sam."_ I can't! I won't let you destroy your life for me!_ It was becoming difficult to separate what was in his head and what he was saying out loud. "You have to walk away, now." Freddie's carefully constructed façade began to crack. Emotions poured through and threatened to overwhelm him. _This thing has taken everything from me!_ "I'm not going to let this take anything else from you!"

"It doesn't have to," she said, seemingly able to hear the thoughts in his mind. "When I told you I love you, I gave up everything for you. There nothing left for it to take." She took her hand away from his weakening grasp. "I don't know how many times I need to say it to convince you, but I will. I love you so much, Freddie. We will make it through this together."

He was captured by the intensity in her eyes. There was sorrow there to be sure, but also an unwavering determination. Still holding his gaze, Sam drew back her hood and he saw her clearly for the first time. Freddie felt hammer blows to his chest that literally rocked him back on his heels.

"NO!" cried Freddie in shock. The word came from deep inside his chest like a howl. He took a step and started to reach out to her but his legs began to buckle. All of his strength left his body in that instant. Everything seemed to slow down around him. He shut his eyes and saw the emptiness inside himself that threatened to swallow him whole. He kept falling and falling into that nothingness – there was no end to it. Then, suddenly, Sam was there. He felt her strong arms around him as she caught him and held on. She would never let him fall.

At first Freddie wondered how she could be so strong, but he saw the truth. He realized how cowardly and selfish he was and that was what made him weak. He knew that none of that mattered to Sam. All he ever thought about was what his illness had taken from him. Sam instead showed him what he always had – what he could never lose. She was there when everything else left him - she had always been there. There was no way she could be broken as easily as he was. Freddie felt ashamed as he thought about all she had suffered for him and desperately whispered, "I'm so sorry, Sam. Could you ever forgive me?"

"Yes." There was no hesitation in Sam's voice when she answered. "Always."

He squeezed his eyes tightly as more tears poured out. He had been a such an idiot. Even though he knew he didn't deserve it he asked her, "Will you stay with me?"

"Forever."

The feelings coursing through him were intense, but one emotion far surpassed all the others. "I love you, Sam. I love you so much. Thank you for reminding me." He felt her arms around him tighten in response.

He reached up, wanting to run his hand through her hair - her beautiful, long blonde hair that he loved to see and touch - but it was no longer there. All he felt was the soft stubble left on Sam's shaved head. "Why Sam?" he choked.

"Because you broke your promise," was her emotional reply.

And so they stood there holding each other, in sadness at everything they'd lost, but rejoicing at everything they had found.

* * *

_I had intended this as part of the last chapter but I felt it would have been too long. In fact this one was longer by itself, but it was getting smothered by metaphors (see I just did it again). I hope you like it. Those of you who are fans may notice that I used a couple of cues from Paramore songs. They're my new fave. ^_^. I'm nearing the resolution - maybe two more chapters to go. Thnx for reading._


	11. Promises Kept

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

* * *

Freddie and Sam sat back and watched as Carly took the stage in front of the assembled crowd. The strapless black evening gown she wore hugged her slim figure while an elegant black velvet wrap draped across her shoulders. Carly's long dark hair was gathered in a chignon with stray curls artfully framing her face. Carly was simply gorgeous. She scanned the familiar faces in the group before her. "So are you guys having a great time?" asked Carly into the microphone.

"Yeah!" answer the crowd.

She stood with one hand on her hip and shook her head disappointedly. "Oh, I don't know. I don't think we convinced anyone with that," she mocked as she crossed the raised platform. "So I ask again – ARE YOU GUYS HAVING A GREAT TIME?!"

"YEAH!" The hall echoed with the thunderous reply, followed by a rousing round of applause and whistles.

Carly nodded her approval. "That's more like it!" She looked over the crowd made up mostly of the Ridgeway High School senior class. Most were standing around having just finished dancing while some stopped chatting at their tables to listen. She saw a lot of her friends in the crowd, every boy looking debonair in his tuxedo and all the girls absolutely ravishing in their formal gowns.

Now that she had their attention she continued with her announcement, "I have some awesome news!" Carly paused for dramatic effect. "WE DID IT!" and the crowd erupted again in raucous cheer. Everyone in the crowd was hugging and congratulating each other. Carly tried to speak over the noise, but it was useless. She waited for it to die down a bit and then said, "Thank you everyone! We reached our goal of raising over ten-thousand dollars for charity. As you know, all proceeds from this year's Ridgeway High School Winter Formal will be donated to the Lymphoma Research Foundation of America." More cheers broke through.

"So, before we go any further, I just want to say thank you to all the local businesses who've donated their services for us tonight. You have no idea how you've made this night so special for all of us." She gestured to the back of the hall where specially invited guests were sitting. Carly turned her attention back to the crowd "Of course, thanks to all of you who are here and for your generous donations. We couldn't have pulled it off without you." There was more applause.

"We also want to thank you for letting iCarly host this event and broadcast it over the web." She smiled teasingly at everyone, "This has been recorded for posterity so I hope none of you were caught in compromising situations by our camera crews." She raised her eyebrows suggestively at a few couples. "I think you know who you are." There was a round of jeers and catcalls. More than a few faces in the crowd turned red. She looked into one of the cameras being operated by the A.V. club and said, "To all of you out there watching - we love all you. Thanks for joining us tonight and thank you very much for all of your support.

"Specials thanks also to my big brother Spencer Shay for helping us out with the fabulous decorations. Aren't they awesome?" The camera spun around the room. The hall was bedecked with white and blue garlands along the walls. Radiating from the center of the ceiling, wide ribbons of silky white cloth were gracefully draped overhead towards the corners. The gossamer buntings gave the ballroom an airy, dreamlike quality. In the center was Spencer's masterpiece – an ice sculpture of a rising bird - a phoenix spreading its wings surrounded by icy flames that stood nearly six feet tall. At the base of the sculpture there was specially programmed light that shone through the ice, slowly fading between different colors. It gave the phoenix and flames the illusion of motion. Carly gestured towards the front of the stage where Spencer stood waving to the crowd. Everyone showed their appreciation with another robust round of applause.

Then the house lights dimmed and a hush fell across the crowd. Behind Carly a roll away screen descended from the ceiling. Carly's voice became thick with emotion. "But most of all, I want to say thank you to our special guests and my best friends - Freddie Benson and Sam Puckett who are joining us all the way in Bethesda, Maryland." An image of the two appeared on the screen. The whole place exploded as it hadn't before.

They both waved at the camera that was setup in his room in Maryland. It was strange to watch themselves on the big screen behind Carly from the small screen of his laptop. They smiled sheepishly under the scrutiny from three thousand miles away. Freddie wore a classic black tuxedo with a royal blue vest and tie. Around his head he wore a blue bandana that matched his accessories. He looked over at Sam who looked simply stunning in an ice blue gown. Her hair had grown back in the last few months, but it was still very short. To Freddie she looked very much like an adorable pixie – a thought he wisely kept to himself. Despite all of Freddie's reassurances, she had worried about it all day.

Through the speakers of his laptop, he heard the rest of Carly's introduction. "I think I speak for everyone here by saying, you have both inspired us with their strength and courage. You showed us that as long as we are together, we can overcome anything. We all wish you could be here with us tonight, but this is the next best thing. Our hearts and thoughts are with you…" Carly faltered as she was overcome with emotion. "Okay, I practiced this all day and I swore I wasn't going to cry." She sobbed between sentences, "I love you guys. I miss you so much." She started dabbing at the corners of her eyes with a tissue. "Ok I have to stop before I mess up my face." She held the mic away form her mouth and Freddie could hear her say, "Here Spence, take over for me."

Spencer jumped up onto the stage and took the mic from Carly. He gave her a quick hug then looked up at the screen and said, "I always thought you two look good together. Like Carly was saying, we wish you were here in person and we all miss you. But this **is** a dance so…" He turned to address the audience. "It's getting late for our friends across the country and I don't think they've danced yet," Spencer said suggestively. "Now we can't let that happen - so I think we should have our guest couple lead the way for the next dance. Does that sound good?" The crowd cheered its assent. "That settles it." Spencer grinned mischievously as the camera zoomed in. "Take it away you two," he said with a wink.

Freddie glanced over at Sam who looked like she was trying to make Spencer's head explode with her mind. "Well," he said to try and diffuse the situation. "I guess he trapped us pretty neatly."

"I'll get him back for this," she growled menacingly. "Oh, he **will** pay."

Freddie held out his hand, "C'mon it won't be that bad." Sam's expression softened as she took his hand in hers. He pulled her close to him as the music started. "So are you ready?"

"No, but I'll do it." She looked at him in concern. "How about you? Are you up to this?"

Although it had been months since his transplant, he was still looking a bit pale and worn-out. "Don't be silly," he answered with a reassuring smile. "This is the best I've felt in long time." He put his right hand on her waist and felt her nervousness. He couldn't help poke fun at her a little. "Besides, my first dance with Sam Puckett - I wouldn't miss that for anything."

She gave him a little pout for his teasing and then took a deep breath. "Here we go then."

They started to move together in a slow, measured dance. Freddie tried to hide his smile as he felt Sam give in to nerves. "Stop fighting me," he whispered. "I'll lead. You just relax."

"That's easy for you to say," she complained. "You just had to survive a life threatening disease. I have to dance in front of all these people in this dress. I think I'm going to be sick."

Freddie took on a lofty air. "I seem to remember you making me promise to take you to the winter formal. So I think you've got no one else to blame."

"You could have said no."

"And break a promise?" he asked in surprise and shook his head. "I'm sorry but I don't do that anymore." He tilted his eyes at her hair. "I've learned my lesson, thank you very much."

Sam laughed softly at his implication. "But since_ I_ made you promise, it wouldn't have counted," she argued.

He brushed that distinction aside. "Technicalities," he said and chuckled. However, he looked around at the room and became slightly serious. "This is okay right? I mean, I wish I really could have kept my promise and taken you to the winter formal in person."

She kissed him softly on the cheek, "This is perfect. Thank you." After that she seemed to relax. "You know, this isn't so bad," she admitted about mid-way through the song.

"No, not at all."

"At least you haven't managed to step on my feet," mocked Sam.

"I happen to know that I am an excellent dancer. My mom says so."

"You are such a momma's boy, Fredloser," said Sam with a nasty chuckle.

"Well now," he said in an amused tone. "I haven't heard that one in a while."

Sam giggled again. "It was just for old time's sake." She looked at his face and noticed he was starting to sweat. "Did you want to sit back down?" Sam glanced over at the laptop and said, "Looks like everyone's joined us now, so I think we've met our obligation."

"Maybe that's a good idea," he admitted with a rueful smile. He was getting a little winded. "I wish I could dance with you all night though," he said as they both stopped. "It helps me forget what happened. I feel like a real person again when I can do things like this with you." Freddie looked deeply into her eyes. "For everything you've done for me - I will never…"

She stopped him with her fingers on his lips. "Shhh. Don't worry about that anymore. We're together now. Everything's going to be fine."

The days after his bone marrow transplant were still a blur. All he could recall was a feeling of total emptiness. It was like someone had pulled a plug and his soul had drained out taking everything with it. He had no strength, and even if he had – none of his muscles would listen. He was never sure if he was awake or dreaming. There were moments he doubted he was even still alive. The world around him had turned into a chaos of just shapes and sounds. There was no sense of anything, including himself. Yet there was one thing that was always there for him. Whenever the nothingness threatened to overwhelm him, Sam was there. He could always hear her voice clearly, calling him back from the brink. Whenever he could open his eyes, she was the first thing he saw. Her bright smile would dispel any darkness. Freddie had no doubt she was the reason he was still here. He finished his original thought silently._ I will never be able to make that up to you - no matter how long I live. But I intend to try. _Freddie shook off the gloomy thoughts and smiled at Sam; at last he understood he would never truly be alone. "I'm sorry." He took her hand and led her back to the couch to sit down. "Have you had fun tonight?"

Sam smiled brightly, "Yes. Thank you" She nuzzled up against him on the couch to watch the rest of the dance on the monitor.

"You are beautiful tonight," Freddie complimented. "Have I said that?"

"Yes, many times," Sam answered coyly. "But it never hurts to hear it again."

"Well?" he asked expectantly.

"Well what?"

"I complimented you, so I think you should say something about me now." He sat up a bit straighter for her inspection.

She pulled away momentarily. "Hmmm." She scrunched her lips to one side as she looked him up and down. "You look very dashing," she had a twinkle in her eyes as she added, "for a pirate."

Freddie's hand unconsciously went towards his head wrap as he feigned a look of hurt pride.

"If you just had an earring and an eye patch it would be perfect." She blinked her blue eyes innocently at him. "What? You didn't say I should say something nice."

He dug his fingers playfully under her ribs and muttered, "ARRH." Sam giggled and twisted away from him. "That's what you get," he growled and pulled her back close. It was great to hear her laugh.

Actually he had been laughing and smiling a lot more as well. Sam kept her promise to always stay with him. With her mother's permission, she moved to Maryland to stay with Freddie and his mom. It took just a little bit more convincing to get Freddie's mom to agree. Marissa and Sam had gotten closer in the past year, which was still an amazing fact to Freddie. About the only hitch was Sam's eating habits. It drove his mom crazy that Sam pretty much only ate pork products. Arrangements were also made with the school to have Sam take her classes online like Freddie was so they could graduate with their class. For the last four months they had been together through his recovery. He knew he couldn't have made it without her.

Or Carly and Spencer for that matter – in fact everyone had been so helpful and generous back in Seattle. After coming out of his isolation, Freddie was able to appreciate what the community back home had done for him or because of him. There had been plenty of fund raising events and cancer awareness assemblies at the school. Everyone at Ridgeway agreed that tonight's winter formal had to be rescheduled a couple of weeks later than usual so they could both attend, even if not in person. The cost of the rented tuxedos and gowns, the catering, even the rental and decoration of the ballroom were donated by business or individuals. All of the money that was usually spent on the event could then go entirely to charity. A lot of the arrangements had been Carly and Spencer's doing. Freddie promised himself that he would never forget what everyone had done for him. He would spend the rest of his life making sure he was worthy of it.

Thinking about the rest of his life was still a novel experience for Freddie. Even with the unknowns of his illness still looming over him, Freddie could finally look past all of it. He felt the warmth of Sam against him and images from the past he spent with this willful, irreverent, and sometimes very sweet blond girl flashed through his mind. He remembered all the endless torture she used to put him through. He remembered their first kiss together on the fire escape. He recalled all the struggles they'd gone through. Now, all of that was in the past. He could now imagine things that were yet to happen. He smiled. Freddie saw the future he wanted as he looked at her. They would be together no matter what, so he decided it was time to take the first step.

"There's something…" they both said at exactly the same time, surprising each other. They both sat up and waited for the other to speak again. "No you go ahead…" they corrected simultaneously "Okay…" they did it again and both started laughing.

After a while, he indicated to Sam she should go first.

"I… I wanted to tell you something," she started nervously. "I haven't been sure how to tell you." She fidgeted in place and seemingly found her voice. "You know I've never been a good student." She narrowed her eyes at him when she saw him smirk a little. "Stop it, I'm serious." Freddie held his palms up for peace and she kept going. "Anyway, I never really considered doing it before now, but… lately I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do for the rest of my life. So… I've decided to go to college - after you get better that is." She looked apprehensively at him and asked, "Is that ok?"

For a moment he was speechless. "OK?" Freddie asked her in disbelief. "Are you kidding? That's amazing. Oh my god - Sam, I'm so proud of you." He took her hands while Sam beamed. "So where do you want to go? What did you want to major in?" he asked excitedly.

"Well…I…don't laugh." She waited for him to promise before she continued. "I'm applying to a lot of different schools but I want to go to Seattle Pacific University. First - because its local and secondly… Well, I've been reading a lot about the school. They have a really good pre-med program with a really high acceptance rate for post-…"

"Wait a minute." Freddie interrupted. "You… are going to med-school?" he asked incredulously.

"Well, pre-med first but yes. I'm going to try – but I think I can do it. I want to be a doctor – maybe even an oncologist." Her eyes shone with passion. "Everything we've been through, everything we've seen just makes me want to make a difference." Then she grimaced slightly when she saw Freddie's dumbfounded face. "Well?" she demanded crossly. "Say something." Her expression changed to a nervous one again when a huge smile appeared on his face. "Don't laugh… you promised."

"I wasn't," he said still smiling from ear to ear. "I swear."

"Then why do you have that big stupid grin on your face?" Sam complained.

"It's just… wow! I mean… WOW!" He waved his arms in front of her excitedly. "That is the most amazing thing I've ever heard. I can just see you right now walking around your white lab coat with a stethoscope around your neck. You could wear your hair up in a bun." He tilted his head as he looked at Sam closely. "You should get glasses. That would make you look way hot." There were daggers in Sam's eyes as she stared back at him. "Think about it," he continued, ignoring her menacing look, "you can introduce yourself as – Doctor Samantha Benson, MD – that sounds pretty cool. You can have it engraved on a plaque and everything."

"Stop it." She punched him softly in one shoulder. "Now you're just mak…" Sam froze as she realized how he'd said her name.

"Well you don't expect me to pass up the opportunity to marry a doctor do you?" Freddie chuckled softly to himself. It was Sam's turn to look stunned. Taking advantage of the situation, he took her left hand and slipped a ring onto her finger. When he looked back up her glorious blue eyes were wide with surprise and were also strangely defenseless. "I want you to have this ring as a reminder. It's my promise to you that we will always be together. There is nothing in this world I am looking forward to more than being your husband." Freddie was relieved. By some miracle he didn't screw it up - he had practiced that speech all day.

Sam just sat there and stared at the ring on her finger. It was a simple gold band with a ribbon of white gold running down the middle. There was a completely unreadable expression on her face and Freddie was starting to get worried. "I love you," she said softly at first. Suddenly, she rushed up and embraced him. "I love you," she repeated and cried into his chest – but it was a good sound.

"I love you too," he said as he pulled gently away from her embrace. "Now stop crying, you are going to ruin your make-up." Still a bit weepy, she nodded her head at him. "There now," he said soothingly and looked down at his tux. "Aww look,"he said in dismay. "You stained my shirt."

She made a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. She yanked the handkerchief he had in his breast pocket to dab at her face. "It's all your fault." She hit him again on the arm. "You are such a nub!"

"Ow!" He rubbed at his arm theatrically. "You keep abusing someone who is practically still an invalid, you know?"

"You big baby," she teased. "You're fine." She sighed regretfully. "I want to seriously kiss you, but since you don't want me to ruin my make-up… oh well." She immediately grinned at his disappointed frown. Sam looked at the monitor again at the party still going on in Seattle and asked, "Do you think they would mind if we bow out in a little bit?"

Freddie shrugged. "We **are** the guests of honor – I think we get to do whatever we want."

"Good, because I want to dance with you one last time," she said as she got up, "and then, Mr. Benson, I want you to myself for the rest of the night."

Sam held out her hands to help him up. Freddie frowned slightly as he looked at her left hand. "I'm sorry. It isn't much of a ring."

She pulled her hand back protectively. "It's perfect," she exclaimed, but then Sam's expression regained a vulnerable cast to it. "Freddie, are you sure? I mean is this what you really want?"

"Well just think of the money I'll save being married to my own doctor." He smiled stupidly at his own joke, but then saw her look away. "I'm sorry," he said as he stood up. "There hasn't been much I can be sure of lately, but I'm sure of this." He raised her left hand and kissed it.

She seemed to think about something. "You know - you didn't ask _me _the question."

"No, I didn't." Freddie smiled crookedly. "It's something I want you to look forward to. I will to do it properly, on one knee and all of that. I also want to get you a nicer ring – the real thing, with diamonds." Sam began to protest but he shushed her. "No arguments," he told her. "I want you to have a big engagement party and everything." He nodded his head towards the party on the screen. "Maybe we can have Carly and Spencer set it up. They seem to be good at it."

She looked thoughtfully at her left hand and then back at him. Freddie knew that she would always cherish that first ring – no matter what. She kissed him seriously then, no longer caring if it ruined her make-up. When they came up for air, Sam said, "You know – now that you told me all of that – I have to hold you to it."

As the song began, Freddie gave her a wink and whispered, "Then it's a promise." Everything else, the music, the room, the camera all faded away into the background. It was just the two of them, lost in their private world. Words were no longer necessary as they started to dance. They both looked towards their future together and it was good.

* * *

_Thnx for reading. I decided to make this chaprter a sweeter and lighter moment since I've put these two through a lot of darkness lately. I hope you like how it came out._


	12. A Life Worth Living: Epilogue

_Dedicated to my mom. _

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly.**

* * *

Sam was glad that was over. No matter how many times she'd done it before, she never got used to speaking in front of an audience. As she stepped back from the mic stand, she scanned the crowd. They were still applauding. There must have been at least a two thousand people in attendance already. They were sitting or standing on the grass covered lawn in front of the stage. A lot of them were wearing the same light blue colored shirt with the same design. She smiled and waved again before walking behind the stage. Finally she could relax and let out a sigh of relief. She could almost hear her husband telling her, _"You started it. Now you have to live with it."_ She guessed so, but that wasn't entirely true. They both started this thing together. The people behind the scenes congratulated her and some who knew her better gave her a hug. She marveled at the amount of work it took to produce this event nowadays. Sam spoke with them a few minutes, making sure to thank them all for their volunteer work before leaving backstage.

She and Freddie had started it together almost a decade ago. It was an annual event that gathered their charity's supporters for a ten mile march that finished with a night of music and entertainment at Marymoor Park in Redmond, WA. They had just finished the march and were now getting ready for the performances. They originally called it the Pacific Northwest Lymphoma and Leukemia Research Foundation's March for the Cure. She gazed up at the banner across the top of the stage. She liked what it was called now a bit better. Before she could finish the thought, however, her cell phone vibrated at her hip. She grabbed it and checked the text she received from Carly.

_hi – we r here. freddie is with me and spencer - heard the last part of your speech - u were great! c u at the usual spot. _

Sam smiled and looked up at the top of the hill towards the back of the large crowd. It was quite a ways off but she could make out three familiar silhouettes beside a lone tree. Before she could start making her way there, however, a few of the people in the crowd recognized her and called out her name.

"Dr. Benson!" someone shouted and she went over to visit a patient she recognized. Hugs and kisses were all around. She spent some time meeting with other patients and their families and slowly worked her way through the crowd. The same scene was repeated over and over again. It never ceased to amaze Sam how many people they were able to reach out to and affect with their charity foundation – and it was growing every year. She remembered a day when it only took the four of them to arrange this. Every time she'd talk to her husband about it, he would usually just shrug and say, _"It's all you babe. You're the doctor not me. You save lives. I just help put on a show and made a movie."_

Never mind that the movie he was talking about was a Golden Globe nominated documentary. It was an eye-opening film about the plight of cancer patients in the third world.

After keeping his promise to marry her, Freddie had become involved in a lot of different causes that championed cancer research and development. When he finished college with a degree in cinematography, he pursued his interests and traveled around the globe. He spent his time documenting and filming the struggles of doctors and hospitals in the poorest parts of the world. He was amazed at their strength and resiliency as they tried to cope with a terrible disease without the proper facilities or funding. Sam herself joined him on a couple of his trips. The experience spurred her on in her own studies to become an oncologist. Although they were apart for months at a time, they both knew they were always going to be together in the important ways. When he finished filming, she was in her residency at Seattle Pacific Hospital. Freddie set to work editing his movie and presented it at local film festivals where it got noticed. It was a short hop from there to awards and accolades. They were able to use the publicity to create this charity event. They were so young and idealistic then. Sam guessed that never really changed. Looking around her at the fruits of a life well spent made her proud.

A familiar voice called out to her. "Samantha! Over here." There was only one person who called her that regularly. She walked over to where Marissa was talking to some people and was introduced all around. Marissa Benson was much older now but age had mellowed her quite a bit. She wore her hair short and had gone almost completely grey. "I heard your speech. You were great - as usual," Marissa complimented.

"Thank you. After nine years you think that would get a lot easier."

"Has it been that long already? Oh my. Anyway I've always been so proud of what you've done here. I was just telling my friends here about all of it" She looked over Sam's shoulder and all around. "So where's my Freddie?"

"He's with Carly," she explained and pointed towards the tree on the hill. "They came together with Spencer. I'm on my way to meet them right now. Would you like to join us?"

"No, no. That's alright. My legs aren't what they used to be and that hike took a lot out of them," she protested. "I don't think I can make it up that hill to be honest. I'm going to find a couple of other friends I'm still looking for. You just make sure you both come see me before this is over." Marissa reprimanded her gently, "The two of you need to visit more often you know?"

"Of course," Sam admitted. "We're sorry we haven't lately but we'll be sure to soon." She hugged Marissa. "We'll make sure to come find you in a bit." Sam had to stop a few more times as other people greeted her. At last she was close enough to make out the three people on the hill.

Sam saw Carly first. She was still as beautiful as ever with her dark hair blowing in the light breeze. Sam remembered how she used to wish she had Carly's looks when they were much younger - all to attract the attention of a certain young boy. The memory mad her smile. It was funny how it all worked out in the end. Carly became, of all things, a school teacher at Ridgeway Junior High - the same place the three of them started out. It still made Sam laugh to think about it. She wondered if any of her students ever thought of tormenting her like they used to do to Miss Briggs. Knowing Carly, however, she was probably the most popular teacher in school – especially with the boys. Right now though, Carly was bursting at the seams. She was seven months pregnant with her first child so she wasn't able to join the march, but she refused to miss the concert.

Spencer was there too but at the moment he was busy trying to climb onto a tree limb like a squirrel. He was much older now too, but there was always going to be that wacky, youthful spirit in Spence. He'd found moderate success as an artist but now ran Shay Graphic Designs – a freelance design studio. In fact the graphic designs for their foundation were all of Spencer's work. She saw Spencer dangle himself by his legs from a branch and waved at the other two. Carly was smiling tolerantly at her brother.

Laughing beside Carly was the person who was the absolute center of Sam's life.

Freddie was holding Carly's hand and Sam felt a jealous tug at her heart. There was a time in her life that Sam imagined that he would be Carly's to hold and care for. Sam realized she was being way too possessive and shook off the silly notion. That was such a long time ago. She could imagine her husband laughing at her, _"What else will it take to prove it to you?" _When she finally broke through the edge of the crowd, the three of them saw her and waved excitedly. Sam waved back.

Even from this distance, she saw Freddie's face break into a huge smile. He let go of Carly's hand and started to run down the gentle slope of the hill towards her. Sam watched him and giggled at his comical descent. His arms were flailing and his hair bounced at every bounding step. Sam expression then grew alarmed as Freddie started to pick up speed. He let out a small yelp and the inevitable occurred as Freddie tripped. He suddenly became a jumbled mass of limbs that continued to roll downhill. Sam gasped and ran to the spot where Freddie finally stopped tumbling.

"Freddie, are you okay?" she asked as she slid to her knees beside him.

He had ended up facing upward but his head was pointed downhill. His eyes were still spinning in his skull when he suddenly smiled. "That was fun!" he yelled with a cheer. The silly grin was infectious so Sam started to laugh. In the meantime, he got up onto his feet and swayed. "Whoa! Still dizzy," he exclaimed and sank back down onto the grass in front of her.

Still laughing, Sam leaned close and kissed him on the forehead. "You are such a nub!" she exclaimed and gave him a hug. She then proceeded to pluck out the bits of grass and twigs that were caught in his hair. When she looked back down at his dirt stained face, there was a serious look on it.

Eyes as blue as hers stared back as he asked, "Mommy, what's a nub?"

"Well," she said with her arms at her hips, "if you must know. A nub is what I called your daddy when I met him. He was your age then." She reached out and tweaked his nose, "And you are just like him."

Freddie rubbed his nose with his palm. "Sooo…it's a good thing?" he asked.

Sam drew her son into her arms and held him tightly again. "Yes, baby. It's a very good thing." Being all of seven years old, little Freddie was at the point where he was starting to protest against displays of affection. She felt him squirming and mumbling to himself so she held him at arm's length and tousled his curly brown hair. "Oh you are such a big boy aren't you?"

"Mo-om," he protested in the same tone shared by all boys his age.

"By the way, I ran into Grandma Marissa just now. She wants to see you."

A frown creased the space between his brows, just as she expected. "Mom, do I have to?" he wailed. "She keeps saying I have ticks and always wants to give me a bath when we see her."

He looked so much like his father at that moment. "Frederick Edward Benson. What was it your daddy used to say about Grandma?"

The small boy rolled his eyes, but then smirked roguishly. "That she is a crazy old bat?" he answered helpfully.

"Freddie!" Sam was having a hard time not laughing. "Dad never said that."

"No, but you did."

"Well I wasn't talking about me was I, young man?" Sam couldn't really get mad at his impudence. She knew where it came from. Still, she put on her best mom face. "You know that Grandma Marissa loves you very much and she only says that stuff because she cares a lot about you. So stop it, little boy."

"Yes mom."

He said it so pitifully that Sam started laughing again. "Even if she is a little crazy," she admitted.

Since he knew he was forgiven, Freddie smiled and bounced up. He then wrapped his arm around her neck. "I love you mommy."

"Love you too, sweetheart." Sam squeezed him back.

"Are you two alright?" asked Carly in a concerned voice. They both looked up and saw her waddling down the hill with Spencer in tow.

"I'm fine Aunt Carly." Freddie said jovially. He ran behind her and grabbed Spencer by the arm. "Unca Spencer," he asked, "Do you want to go with me to the playground?"

"Sure buddy!" Spencer picked him up and placed him on his shoulders. "I can show you some of my moves on the monkey bars." He caught a steely glare from Sam and gulped, "Then again maybe not." Spencer quickly dashed off with his passenger who was screeching in delight.

"He will never change," said Carly as she helped Sam stand up.

"That's true," she answered and linked her arm with her best friend's. They started walking slowly after the two. She watched as the two boys played together and couldn't help feeling sad.

Carly's was concerned when she saw Sam's face. "Are you ok sweetie?"

"Yeah… it's just…you know…" Sam kept staring at the little boy now running around the playground.

Carly put her head on Sam's shoulder. "I miss him too."

"Mm-hmm," Sam muttered not trusting herself to speak.

The love of her life died almost three years ago when their son was only four. Sam felt the loss keenly every day. The cancer he overcame as a teenager returned. She remembered the absolute helplessness that gripped her when she found out. She was already a practicing oncologist by then and she knew a lot more about the odds. A recurrence after a long remission was almost always worse. She drove herself almost to the point of a nervous breakdown when the cancer didn't respond to any treatment. The disease as well as the medicine kept eating away at her husband's body. He held on for two years before Freddie decided it was over. Sam recalled how angry she was at him for that. She railed against him trying to convince him that she would find a way. But he was calm and serene every time he faced her. Freddie just waited patiently for her to accept the inevitable. One night at the side of his bed, she was finally able to understand.

"_This isn't like last time, Sam. You know me. I'm not giving up because I don't want to fight this. It's just - I can't anymore. I can feel it beating me." He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and opened them again. "I've seen so much that is awful in this world. I've seen a lot of dark places. But all of it is outweighed by all the good I've seen and been part of. Like us." Though his body and voice were weak, Sam saw the strength of his conviction in his eyes. "If I'd never been sick, I would have lived a long but ignorant life. "Freddie shook his head weakly. "I could never trade a single moment of my life for anything else, not even this one." He lifted their joined hands. "Look at me. I'm the luckiest man in the world. I have you. Nobody else can say that." He reached up and wiped the tears from Sam's face. "Except maybe one. There is another Freddie that needs you now, babe. Take care of him for me." He fought back a cough and licked at his dried lips. Sam gave him a small piece of ice to suck on. "Thank you - for everything. I lived a good life, Sam. You have to promise me that you'll talk to Freddie about me. I want him to be proud of the life his dad lived." Sam nodded silently and watched his eyelids droop. "Tell him I'm sorry I couldn't watch him grow up, but I'll always be here." Freddie touched his chest while tears flowed freely down his thin face. "I love you both so much."_

"_We love you too." Sam squeezed his frail hand. _

_Freddie managed a small smile. "I'm so tired. Let me rest for a bit."_

"_That's okay. I'll be here the whole time - don't worry," she told him._

"_I know. I'll talk to you in a while again." Freddie had already closed his eyes when he added, "I promise."_

It was the only promise Freddie ever broke during their marriage. He fell into a coma and never woke up again.

"Why are you crying, mommy?" said a small voice. It brought Sam back from the past. She found herself sitting at a park bench on the edge of the playground. She didn't remember how she got there. There was worried look on her son's face in front of her. Sam tried to wipe off her face with her palms.

Carly answered him for her. "It's… um… just her allergies sweetie. Don't worry."

Freddie shook his little head stubbornly. "No. You were thinking of daddy, weren't you?" The serious expression was so out of place on the face of a seven-year-old. There was so much of his father in that look.

"Yes, baby I was." She admitted and held out her arms. Freddie rushed up and gave his mom a hug.

He whispered into her ear as she held him. "You know what you tell me when I cry about daddy?" He pulled away a bit to show her. "Daddy is always here," he pointed to his chest. "So you shouldn't be sad because he's always with us, right?"

Sam was able to smile sincerely. "Yes, of course. It was silly of me to forget." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you for reminding me."

"Yup." Freddie smiled proudly. "I'm going to go play some more. Is that alright? I made some new friends."

"Go ahead sweetheart," Sam said and watched him bound away. There was a loud sniffle beside her so Sam turned on Carly. "Oh don't you start."

It was too late. Carly was already bawling. "I can't help it. It's the hormones." The two friends hugged - both sobbing and laughing at the same time.

Spencer leaned over the two of them from behind the bench. "If you two ladies are done being all weepy," he teased then nodded to where Freddie was, "check out our little Casanova over there."

They all looked up and saw Freddie at the playground. He seemed to be paying particular attention to a dark haired girl who was sitting on a swing.

"Oh-ho, it looks like he has his father's tastes for brunettes," Sam chuckled.

Carly disagreed. "Oh I don't know," she pointed to a small girl with blond ringlets who just then grabbed Freddie's hand and proceeded to pull him away. It appeared she meant keep him to herself. The other girl jumped up to follow. "I think his mind has been made up for him."

The three adults stopped and looked at on another then suddenly burst out laughing. They continued to watch the drama being played out until the lamp lights turned on. Sam was the first to get up. "It looks like it's dark enough for the concert to start. Why don't we go up to our spot and watch?"

Spencer was already walking towards the playground, "I'll go fetch the munchkin. We'll meet you up there."

When Sam and Carly reached the hilltop they sat down at the base of the tree. Although it was further away from the stage, it gave them a perfect vantage point away from all the crowd noise. More people had arrived, probably bringing the total audience to nearly four thousand. "It gets bigger every year," Sam commented in wonder.

"I'm glad you let them change the name of the event, though. _'The Pacific Northwest Lymphoma and Leukemia Research Foundation's March for the Cure'_ was always such a mouthful," Carly complained. She motioned to the banner above the stage. "I like that better." The sign simply read _'_The Freddie Benson Memorial Concert'. "It's more appropriate."

"I agree." She smiled and watched as the performers got ready. She waved at her son who was once again perched on Spencer's shoulders.

The four of them all sat down together while little Freddie regaled them with his stories from the playground. He blushed furiously when they mentioned the girls he was playing with - sending the adults rolling with laughter once again. The music began. Local and national bands took their turns on the stage. Most of them had lost a loved one from different types of cancer. The music helped soothe the shared pain of those who listened. All the proceeds from this concert would go to help fight cancer around the world. It was Freddie's greatest legacy.

Eventually, her son became tired and fell asleep in her arms. She watched his peaceful face and amended her earlier thought. This was her husband's greatest legacy. They spent the rest of the night listening to music that was dedicated to her husband – a man well loved and a life lived well.

**END**

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_Thnx for reading. This was a great experience for me on so many different levels. I know it took a while but I hope you liked it._


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